To My Fur Baby Sugar Pie
So today has been an off day today. I woke this morning looking for my Sugar Pie. I shot up looking around for her because I felt her laying with me. It took me a bit to realize what was going on and just started crying. I miss her so much. But I know she’s watching over us and playing with her brother that she hadn’t seen since they were born. I love you baby girl and I will be there one day. I will one day walk the beach with you again. You will always be remembered. Baby girl i have to tell you something grandma brought a dang Guinea Pie over to cheer Jeramia up since you have been gone. It actually has helped a bit but i can just imagine the look on you face if you were here right now. That look you always got when we brought fosters home. And then you were momma to them all, so i can imagine you up there being momma to all the little lost ones now. I miss you oh so very much. Scott and i were talking about you and your brother and knowing your happy to be with him again. It’s that time my love got to start dinner.
Love and miss your MOMMA
My Fur Baby…
I want to start by saying I miss her and love her so very much. August 10th 2019 I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. It was time to say goodbye to the most amazing animal I have ever had to call my baby, Her name was Sugar Pie. Late May of 2007 I rescued a very small ball of fluff from a man that wanted the pups dead, because he was mad that his registered German Shephard got pregnant by a coyote. This little ball of fluff would not leave my side so I picked her and the rest got adopted out as well. At almost 3 weeks old I was pregnant with my son and bottle feeding this puppy. She in one arm and my son in the other I raised them together. She was the sweetest puppy, never had to potty train her, nor did she ever chew on things. I used to sit and watch the two of them play all the time and would fight over the covers as she would cuddle up in his bed with him. She would never let him out of her sight. When it was time for my son to come home from school she would be waiting there for him to get off the bus. She was so loved and a huge part of our family, and she gave so much love back. My dad named her Stinky because she would always go swim in the lake and she would smell so bad but the funny thing was she hated baths. We would have to drag he in to take one, my son found it easier to get his swim trunks on and take a shower with her so she would feel safe. When we moved she moved and never complained one bit. The only time she ever gave us a hard time was when we would rescue others and she would look at us like mom really. But by the end of it she would bring them in and she would teach them the ropes. She even raised the kittens that showed up one day. I found them all cuddled up on her it was so cute. Just this past August 10th She had turned 12 years old and I could see it in her eyes that she was asking if it was ok if she could go. It showed she was tired and in pain. That was the last thing I had ever wanted her to feel. I could feel her pain in the eyes that were so pleading with me. I had been time coming she had already stopped eating and was getting harder for her to move around. That morning I laid with her on the living room floor and told her it was ok she didn’t have to hurt anymore. My son and I talked with her and laid with her for her last hours she understood and was ok. I have never felt so much in my life the love the pain the hurt to have to make this decision. But she deserved the respect and dignity to be laid to rest with her loved ones. I have fostered so many dogs and have lost them to card and snakes or adopting them out but never have I had to make the decision like this. We have her collar and leash hanging on the wall to remember he. She is and always will be missed and loved forever in our hearts . One day Sugar Pie we will see you again I promise you that.
I love you baby girl, its your momma saying hi.
This is the real me saying goodnight this time
Today is the day I speak up. I get to tell the world my adventures in life. I am very new to this so please be gentile, or not I bite back. It has been a long and emotional journey to get where I am at today. I have made sites failed at them and made more sites but none of them were a Blog site. I never thought I would like it or even understood the reason to do it. As you can see I think I understand it for me. When I write about my story or just my day to day dealings I feel like I may have in a small way helped someone reading it. If it isn’t just a single recipe I shared or if it was me spilling my guts about my past and helped them realize its ok to feel the way we feel. Or just for the satisfaction that you may read my blogs and say this woman is a lunatics’ but you keep coming back for more. Believe me I am right there with you this lady is a lunatic but I deal with her 24/7 I cant seem to lose her. I grew up not being able to read or comprehend very well due to me having Dyslexia and not a lot of people knew what it was. So writing a blog is like mind blowing to me because I actually like it. I must say I need to learn the way of the site layouts better because it is hard to put it together where it looks good. Well at least I think. And I was over here thinking all they do is write on word or doc and post it to somewhere lol. I give props to all the Bloggers out there that do this. I have wanted to quit many times because I think man they don’t want to hear this crazy lady blab on and on about nothing. But my nothing is something to me and right now its keeping my sanity together. And please tell me your thoughts and feedback I need out side world communication lol. I am a stay at home mom to a 12 year old son so my only true line of adult communication is got to be through here because I live out in the sticks and it takes 45 to a hour just to get to civilization. I say sorry now, I am like oh look Big Shinny Squirrel LOL… I can go from one subject to a whole new subject within seconds and not even bat an eye and I know I have done it many times in just this one rant lol.. Now you know why I said lunatic earlier, but I’m a sweet lunatic I promise unless you read my other blog and then it sounds like I and a raging Irish drunken pirate lunatic and that my friends is where I am going to say I’m done for now…
Always a beautiful day for the beach
Clarity on why I do this
One Question “Why?”
I am answering the long-asked questions by my followers, family and friends out there. Why have i decided to share all the bad things that i have done or the suffering I have caused myself so the world to read and judge me? I have been through a lot and if you read any of this you have the rundown of my life in fast forward. In further writings i will go deeper into some of the stories and give better understanding of it. I am doing this first and foremost so that if someone happens to come across then I want to say to them that they are not alone in this world. Everyone has been through some sort of hurt and sorrow in their life It may not be the same but it’s there. To tell them that there is a sanity to all this chaos. I started this other website not too long ago and have found that letting it out for all to read i have felt a burden lifted off of me that I thought would have never gone away. I had finally decided that I wasn’t going to let it rule over me anymore. So, if by chance this hits home to you or to someone you know please comment or write back. I know if i would have had this in my past i would have been better off. Someone to talk with or to just listen. Please read and explore my other website and Facebook page. Ask anything you like I’m here to help it I can. I will say for now goodbye and finish my life story. Good night and good day to all. BeachBum SoulSurfer
I’ll always answer…
If you ever feel the need to call and talk with someone you know where to find me. Call me on my shellphone. Yeah, I’m a dork and I don’t pretend otherwise. The ones that know me know no matter what time of day or night, if you need, I will always be there. I’m not one to turn away anyone. I may not have anything physical to show for all I’ve done but I’m alive and taking care of my son as the best to my ability. I’m still struggling every day for sure but I wake every morning saying I can get through this minute then this hour then this day. I have learned through my dealings you don’t sit there and bite off more than you can chew. Reason being if you stumble and fall you look back as I failed for today and get distraught and my even give up. You didn’t fail you stumbled at that second, get back up and count the next minute. It’s easier to correct a minute than it is for a whole day. So, I count my achievements every minute of the day. If you start to think it will never end, it will. You will lay your head down and fall right to sleep and that is your end because the next day is a whole new day. I succeed daily because I don’t give up in the challenges I face and if I stumble, I start counting again. I don’t let the day get the best of me. I know it is a lot easier said than done but it will become so ordinary in your daily routine you won’t even notice your still counting those minutes. And as I say to all bye for now. Remember if you ever need to just talk and someone to listen. Call me on my Shellphone. Now but seriously find that one person you can talk to, that you feel in your heart you can tell them everything. And if you, can’t I’m always here message me or even email me. I will not turn you away. Always and forever. One of my favorite quotes I will leave you with.
” Go within every day and find the strength so that the world cannot blow your candle out.” –Katherine Dunham–
Hell within me….
I have always had struggles in my life. I say that and truth be told I had a great life till I moved here to San Antonio. I am the one that made my life hard for myself. I chose to act stupid and do all the things I did because I was mad about having to leave the beach. I figured that If I was unhappy, I would make everyone else unhappy. Well, it didn’t work that way, I made me hate the world and everyone in it. My family just moved on and I was there wanting my past back. For me, I thought if I moved on, I would lose my innocence, and the truth is fighting it and being stubborn I did lose my innocence. I ended up chasing the struggle and not breaking free from it. I gave up I let the devil sink his talons in me and it felt good. The warmth he gave me just so I wouldn’t stray from him. I fun, excitement, drugs, money, anything I wanted I got. He showed me I could have it all (FOR A PRICE). I sold my soul I gave him my innocence. But I was ok with that I didn’t need it anymore, or so I thought. I spent so long in his grasp that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was killing myself and didn’t even know it. Drinking anything I was handed, smoking who knows what, shooting up heroin and anything else that I could get in the needle. Putting it all up my nose. I did it all. Anything and everything trying to chase that first high. I never found It though. Out of everything he gave me and showed me, he would never give me that high again. I had hurt so many people mostly my family. I had a different family by then. Going far out there I was doing things and seeing things that I never thought were imaginable or only seen in movies. That was me now when I walked through that door they didn’t know if I was there to get high or do what I had to do to get the money they owed me. By then anywhere I went I had two in the car and one on me. No one was going to fuck with me. and if they tried it was them going to the hospital or morgue, not me. All I could hear is the 10-year-old me screaming at me to come back to her but I didn’t know-how. I was so far gone. Every time I would try and get out it followed so I did what I did to getaway. I was robbing people breaking down doors waking mother fuckers up to a gun to their face. Telling them to put their shit in my truck because I was too lazy to do it myself as I would torment them the whole way. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted out and it was going to be through someone killing me or going to prison. At that time, I thought that someone killing me was better than what I was in right then. Well as you can figure I didn’t get killed. but I did kill that person I was I woke up one morning to a foot on my face and guns to my head. It was the cops. It was finally over. I was free from him at last. I spent many nights in county jail praying to God to let me make it through this. After two years of a trial looking at 75 years of prison time for aggravated burglary of habitation on the third year in the county I was sentenced. 13 felonies for Agg. Burglary. 8 years each account. But here is where God answered my prayers. The judge overruled the sentence and ran them concurrently. So instead of 104 years of prison time that they wanted to give me, he gave me 8 years prison. On my 21st birthday, I was on the bus transferring to TDCJ to start my 8 years. All that I had learned out there I had to reprogram myself. Teach me that there was more to life than hurting others and myself. The first year there was the worst. Trying to adjust to not getting what I wanted or doing what I needed to, to get it. Not going to lie after that first year I loved it there. It was a vacation from me killing myself. I ended up knowing some of the guards and the warden of my unit was one I used to sell to so I hooked him up to my people and said I wash my hands of it now. But I got all the outside world food I wanted. So, I just set back and talked with God a lot. He got me through the rest of my time there. I was finally getting out going home but I didn’t have a home anymore to go to. My first thoughts were to hit a lick really quick to get a place and car. I was so scared to realize it was that easy for me to think it was ok to do that after begging to get out of that 8 years ago. So, I went to my PO and sat there till he would see me. I told him my thoughts and he didn’t say well let’s put you back. He actually helped me get a place and a job so I could do it the right way. It helped, I worked and didn’t screw up the rest of the time on parole. But I did stumble and had to go back to rehab three years after getting out. But it was on my accord. I was feeling the talons again and I ran fast. Asked for help. Those years that I had lost and the healing I did I had almost let it all go and go right back to the hell I begged to get out of. So, in all, I am here living the best I can. Doing it the right way for myself so I can do it for my son. When I said I have always had struggles in my life I am the one and only one that has put those struggles in my life. They are here today just as much as back then but just different types of struggles. These are the consequences of my past. Today am free from the talons of the demons that were inside of me. I still have them but I control them now. So, for now, I am signing off till next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer
31 to 39 years of age
So, it is so easy to get wrapped up in emotions of the past and flinch on the scares they have left though no one can see them. I sit here in turmoil, fighting my demons and trying to not destroy all I have come to. So, by the age of 31 I had my son Jeramia and I was doing the best I could. I was finally starting to get back out there being social with people and opening the doors to friends. But my life was for my son he was my priority. We did so much together, The Zoo, parks, play dates, and spent time with my dad a lot. But the moment I let a man in I remembered why I was like I was. He treated me like crap and showed it and told it to me daily no matter who was watching, but this time I knew what to do and I did it. I packed me and my son up and moved back out to the country by my dad to be close to him so he could have a relationship with his grandson. At 34 I got the first job I actually stayed at longer than a week. Things were great I was able to support my family of 2. I think my son has had a good life. We have never had to want for anything. I was able to give him everything he needed and some that he wanted. He’s growing up a single child and me working night shift he lost a lot of his childhood, I think. But it has taught him responsibility. Working all night coming home to him already ready for school and when it was weekends, he helped around the house. By the age of 5, he was already doing laundry and picking up his room and helping with the dishes considering he couldn’t reach so I washed and he dried. We lived in this run-down farmhouse and were looking to find a new place till we just moved back home with my dad so I could save and find something good for us. A year later we did, we are not living in a 2-bedroom apartment and love the time we have together. I no longer work for the place I was because 4 years of night shift I lost so much of his life I left there and got a better job. But times happen and I had got laid off. I looked for a job day after day month after month. To come to the point where we are now in life, I still haven’t found a job and my brother has moved in with us to help pay the rent. So, I keep looking not giving up. The days run together and the nights to be so very short. My son is doing great in school and loves having his uncle here to goof off with. I don’t do much because the money I do get the need to be for whatever my son needs and gas to get him to and from school. Going nuts I had found this website one late night and found myself designing a webpage for the first time ever. It was not so easy at first but I got a hang of it. And so, I sit here at this moment writing to all about my life on my second website of mine. You have spent the time reading about my life and it not being a very pretty one but today it is a beautiful life. In stories to come, I will write about bits of my life I did not mention in this story in more of a detailed way. So, bit by bit you will get to understand me and see the journey I took with all the obstacles to overcome and how I did it. To give others out there the acceptance of not being perfect is ok. To say you’re not alone in the fight. I’m here to share so that if by chance It may help you in any way it may. Till the next chapter, this is me as always. I’m destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer
26 to 30 years of age
So, I left off with me getting out of prison and finally getting back home. It didn’t take me long to get back into things back home. I got settled in at my new place and was doing good till I met a man. I thought he was it. Everything was good for a bit but as always, I fell fast and hard for a man that really wasn’t for me. I got back into drinking and doing drugs but stayed away from the heroin. I didn’t want to go down that road again for sure. At the end of it, he beat my ass and I left. I focused on me and got a job at Jim’s. I loved it, work was great and met some really cool people along the way. Till one day I woke for work and something wasn’t right. I was pregnant again. I saw scared and alone with nothing to give. I talked to my dad about it and I got ready to have a baby. But I was still alone and hid the drinking and drugs. I got clean and started doing good. I had a baby girl. The bit I didn’t know what to do. My sister moved in with me and helped me. I was always gone and drinking again so my sister raised her for the first couple years of her life because I couldn’t seem to get my shit together and don’t really know if I wanted to. So, after 2 years of my daughter’s birth, I was cleaning but at my best friend’s house. He wanted me to get sober. He had been my friend since I was in middle school so he had seen it all with me. He was the one who usually picked up the pieces and helped me put myself back together. Well, that night it was different. I was laying on the floor detoxing and he just held me. It was at that time I realized it was supposed to be him the whole time. But he didn’t want to take advantage of me in my state. All said we wanted to be together, so he helped me clean up and I lived there with him. I was doing great and had a great life starting for us. I was headed to the Dr this one day because I really wasn’t feeling good and come to find out I was pregnant again. But this time was different. I was with a man that wanted me and we had talked about kids so I couldn’t wait till he got home to tell him. My dreams and hope were shattered the same day it was supposed to be the best day of our lives of starting a family. I got a call from his mom; I didn’t want to believe it. He had gotten hit on his motorcycle and was rushed to the ER. But it was too late he had passed on the way there. I felt like my life was over. His family wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. I wanted to die. I was so alone again but this time it was different. I stayed clean and moved out of our house because I couldn’t stay there without him it was too hard. I went to my dad again and he took me in. I was having a little boy, My treasure. I had to do this for him. This little thing growing inside me had no one but me. So, I did what I should have done many years ago for my other two children, GROW UP! I did just that or at least as best I could. I was ready to do anything I had to do. Three years had passed and I was doing it as the best as I could. His name is Jeramia Luca Long and I call him Bubba. The next few years are much more than a few lines so till tomorrow I will finish and see it through. I say my goodbyes till then. I am only destined to be the woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer