Posted in Random Writings

Social Media

I swear. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Last week this website got banned from Facebook and said it goes against community standards. So looking into that my site is my life story and all that goes with it. Understandable but when you banned it and delete every single post I mention it in even the boost and ads I have paid for that is taking it a bit to far. Well last night they took down my second site and everything along with it. What I don’t get it that they didn’t banned my T-Shirt Shop but they took it off my business page. What’s wrong with that. I have my DBA and business license for it and both domains are mine. So if it is just because the content in it why banned just my shit and not all these other MF. Like the group I got asked to be on two days after I got banned called prostitutes and porn and yes it was just what the title said it was. And all the others out there that show pictures of a drawer full of guns and Rocks and rocks of meth and pills and weed. I don’t get it. My site is me telling the world my struggles in life and how I overcame them. Having them understand that people with bad backgrounds can change. And to also let the ones out there going through similar struggles your not alone and I am only a comment away to listen. I have been working non-stop for 3 months to get these sites up and running and my T-Shirt Shop to better myself in life and take care of my family. As I watch and see them get bullies on and torn apart by others. I have written them 16 times with not one single answer. I would like for them to give me explanation. and not just me wake up to my websites being Banned. I know it is not the end of them but I was able to advertise and boost for so much littler amount to it being free. Now I have to figure another way in doing it that is free and wont delete or take down my writings. So I am calling Facebook now the number I was given to see what they cad do or what I need to do in order to take care of my family. Till next time I’m signing off. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Call me on my Shellphone

Call me on my Shellphone.

If you ever feel the need to call and talk with someone you know where to find me. Call me on my shellphone. Yeah I’m a dork and I don’t pretend otherwise. The ones that know me know no matter what time of day or night, if you need I will always be there. I’m not one to turn away anyone. I may not have anything physical to show for all I’ve done but I’m alive and taking care of my son as the best to my ability. I’m still struggling every day for sure but I wake every morning saying I can get through this minute then this hour then this day. I have learned through my dealings you don’t sit there and bite off more than you can chew. Reason being if you stumble and fall you look back as I failed for today and get distraught and my even give up. You didn’t fail you stumbled at that second, get back up and count the next minute. Its easier to correct a minute than it is for a whole day. So I count my achievements every minute of the day. If you start to think it will never end, it will. You will lay your head down and fall right to sleep and that is your end because the next day is a whole new day.  I succeed daily because I don’t give up in the challenges I face and if I stumble I start counting again. I don’t let the day get the best of me. I know it is a lot easier said than done but it will become so ordinary in your daily routine you won’t even notice your still counting those minutes. And as I say to all bye for now. Remember if you ever need to just talk and someone to listen. Call me on my Shellphone. Now but seriously find that one person you can talk to, that you feel in your heart you can tell them everything. And if you can’t I’m always here message me or even email me. I will not turn you away. Always and forever. One of my favorite quotes I will leave you with.

BeachBum SoulSurfer.

” Go within every day and find the strength so that the world cannot blow your candle out.” –Katherine Dunham–

Posted in Random Writings

The Time is Now!

It Has Been Done.

The time has finally come to introduce my newest addition to all that I have been doing. As you can tell it is my new website and I am going all out with it this time. The advertising has started and I have the sales and marketing finishing up tonight and my favorite part which is I designed some hoodies and T-shirts for my friends and family, and if they are a hit I will design more and sell them here as well. I’ve got my domain like the last one, but this one I designed a logo as well. I feel bad because the first website has been on my back burner but I still working a bit with it. I haven’t neglected it all the way. She was my baby, my first ever website I designed and I love her a lot but I must say this new website is to die for. I love everything about it. I will Probably keep this one as it is and start fresh with that one move all you writing here and Use that one just for all my products I will sell on it. They are both very similar with the BeachBum SoulSurfer name because I did get a DBA for it and this one. I have come to say this it my job now and if I’m getting paid for it or not I love what I am doing. Its the stories that I share with everyone and the fun learning how to do all this. I am very interested in technology so I like the whole design part of it and rewriting code. Believe me its not easy if you have never gone to school for it let alone I never finish the 9th grade. But I love it and I love my new site. I will be working on it for the next couple of days getting it all switched over. Well It is that time. I’m done for today off to bed I go. As always till the next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Panic and Fear

Feelings Within Me.

It’s 3 a.m. I woke up about 1 a.m. in a state of panic and fear. Like all that has been going on the past few days with him was all just a dream. I woke up so scared I didn’t feel right. It has been so long since I have felt affection and the way he shows me I guess I’m scared that It’s not real or that it was all a lie. But down inside I know it’s real. I trust him and believe he would never hurt me. He is such and amazing man. This is how it always starts. I have been hurt, lied to, cheated on beat and told to me that no man would ever love me and I let that rule over me my whole life. So in the back of my mind that plays over and over again. That its going to happen again with him this time. Its my self sabatoge that I have grown to accept. But not tonight, I sit here crying knowing I will be ok and he has done nothing to me and I still have that panic feeling. Is it just me or is it normal to feel these thing. It’s a conflict in my head of I know and my brain says no you dont know. What I fear the most is that hes going to realize how hard it is to love me when I am always like this when we are away from one another. I have no idea if I will ever get over this way of thinking or if being with him and he show me that it’s all in my head It will eventually go away. I hope so. I don’t want to lose this man and knowing and seeing that I am doing this to me and to him and It makes me even madder because I can’t stop it, even though it’s in me to stop it. A man that knows my issues and is wanting to hold my hand and guide me though them with him and not on my own. He is my true rock and I want to be his rock in the time of need. I need to be a strong woman for us. It is now going on 5 a.m. and I’m going to try and get some sleep. As I am and always will be. Destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

I need Insight…..

Ok so can someone help me understand. Why is it that boys because they sure are not men act the way they do online. I have been non-stop working on this site not to mention my first site and my Facebook page for all my traffic. I get message after message after pictures. I have this thing if I am working on my sites and page I am in tunnel vision and don’t want to stop working or I will lose my train of thought. But it doesn’t matter to ya’ll. I get the whole I accept your friend request and I don’t mind hi and thank you but then it doesn’t stop there and next thing you know I have 14 messages from one boy and missed Facebook calls. It’s almost like ya’ll are having conversations by yourself. Or its we chat for a bit and when I don’t message back right away they get very rude and mad and say “well fine your too busy for me or too good for me, I’ll just leave you alone.” And then the final one they ask to be my friend on Facebook and the moment I accept its “Can we Fuck, You have Great Tits, Can you suck me off.” all of that before they say oh yeah my name is so and so what’s your name and your beautiful. My lord have mercy I get some guys that are straight out disrespectful . All I do at that point is block them, or ask do you talk to your momma like that and if not why don’t you go try and see where that gets you. First off I do have a son and my family I take care of first. I do everything a mom should cook and clean and spend my time with my son and well as homework and all that comes with it. Second I have way more respect for myself than to let a boy talk to me like i am trash. It’s like they don’t think I have a job, I may not have a normal one like everyone else but this is what I do and I’m not going to stop working to chat all day. Yeah i can say hi and what not but let me get back to my writing. If I don’t message you back at all its because you want one thing from me and I’m not going to give it to you. You say ” I want to chat and get to know you then third sentence is when can we fuck.” And If I do answer you back because I see you as a friend and have you on my site for business don’t get butthurt when it takes me a while to text you back or may even be a day or so. I get so annoyed of it and I have blocked because of it. I just don’t know why you have no respect for me or even for yourself.  And what is it about the 1 or 2am time to 5am its like no one sleeps at that time. I will wake at times with 30 messages or friend request. Like I said I am here for the ones that NEED to talk I’m here to listen. But I am only human and have priorities and wants myself. I just ask for some respect and If I haven’t written back give me time to. By all means I am not conceded and above another human on this planet. I keep a very simple life now and am very happy where I’m at in it. I just want the respect I deserve just like you would.  I’m sorry that I’m not sorry if this offends some one out there but these are my feelings and not yours to end this rant I say good night to all and sweet dreams to many. I am only destined to be the woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Question

Why Are You Single ?

I have a question for everyone out there, but more geared towards the men. When you ask a woman if she is single and she answers back Yes, why do you ask right after that “Why are you single.”  Do you really think we know why, or that we are going to one day say “because we are crazy!” It is asked to me daily and I always just want to “say because I’m crazy” and want to see what they say.  Truth is at least I Know why I am. Not all women are alike and I just want to make sure you know this is the reason I am and no one else. I have been mentally and physically abused by every man that I have had a relationship in. I have no problem telling the world now. 1. I have woke up in my own bathroom from being choked to death by my first, he thought I was dead and I woke to him and another woman in my bed. Could I have walked away and not egged him on yeah maybe. But I wasn’t the one cheating. 2. My second used to tell me I wasn’t worth shit, that if I wasn’t with him I could never find a better man than him and would beat me daily. His parents got us both addicted to Heroin Which we both didnt do until they came to live with me. Can I blame them for my addiction no I dont blame anyone buy myself for that. 3. My third we both we alcoholics and he had no trust and we would fight bad till the day he put my head through the window at the house. Drug me around like i was a ragdoll.  4. My forth was the man of my dreams. He was my best friend through all of it. I one that would take me to the hospital, the one begging to leave them that i deserved better but I never believed him. I was the one that showed me everything would be ok. Till the day God had bigger plans for him and took him from me. He took my protector. That week that he got In a motorcycle accident and passed on the way to the hospital I had just found out I was pregnant and he didnt even get to know. It took me a very long time to step out and open up again and when I did it started over. 5. My fifth was the same of my past. beat and yelled at and got out of that one faster than I ever did in the past. I had a son to take care of. It wasn’t about me anymore. 6. My last and final one years ago. I should have seen it from the begining, he never once shared a bed with me. Told me all the things I needed to hear. He said it was due to PTSD and that he loved me but he was less of a man due to it and coldnt sleep. Lies all lies. He used me for what he needed. He went back to work out of state and turned all social media off from me turned his phone off and told our mutual friend he was never with me and the only reason he lived with me for a year was to get what he wanted and to get out of town. Whipped my bank account clean and took all my credit cards when I was asleep before he lift that day.  So with all that do I even consider it a relationship. I did he didn’t. Now comes back to the question no I am not crazy but sometimes I think that I am crazy because of all of it. I’m scared I’m stuck in this deadly cycle and have no way out. I am single today because i have to learn to be happy with myself before I can love and be happy with someone else. I dont see it fair to either one of use to get into a relationship that I know would not work. But do I yearn for the affection, the touch, the feeling of being wanted and loved by a man, YES every day. I want something with a man that has substance, meaning, something we both want and can grow together. Build a relationship as one.  I want to have a relationship that is for the future not just right now, and I know no one knows what the future will hold and we cant tell what it has instore of us but I am tired and done with all the pain. So please before you ask a woman why are you single stop and think if you are ready to hear their story. Some might just say they are crazy and some my have a story like mine. I am not ashamed of my past with these relationships because it has made me grow into the strong  woman I am today. Am I disappointed in myself for knowing I should have left them sooner and I never did.  I am a very independent Strong individual that now is starting to love herself like I should have many yeas ago.   Till next rant  signing out, BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Hatred And Longing

Longing To Feel No More

Well I did have about a page of writing down then my computer just deleted it so I think I’m done for the night. I’m not in the best of moods after rewriting all of that anyways. Walking down memory lane and all the emotions and feelings come back and I don’t feel good any more. I hate how it makes me feel. I just sit here and cry. and then it pisses me off that I still let it get to me. I had or still have so much hatred in me towards myself and I try daily to cover it up, hide it, or let it go and I can’t. I feel weak and vulnerable and that is not a good feeling. I have loved and cared for so many that wouldn’t think twice for what they did to me, but in the end it’s my fault I’m the one that let it happen. I was so big on wanting to be loves and worried what others thought of me. Do I still feel like that yes and no.. I tell myself daily fuck all, I am ME and if you don’t like it go somewhere else because I love me. But in the back of my mind I’m screaming please don’t leave. I feel so fucking crazy, I am so broken, and don’t know where to start to fix it. I do love myself or at least getting there. I have overcome so much why can’t I get past this. I am in a fight daily with myself and then I wake and submerge myself in cleaning and cooking and taking care of my family and when I do that all those feelings don’t go away they just subside until the night comes around and I sit alone with my thoughts. So good night to all in out. I am only destined to be the woman I’m meant to be.
BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

A little Clarity to Why.

One Question “Why?”

I am answering the long asked questions by my followers, family and friends out there. Why have i decided to share all the bad things that i have done or the suffering I have caused myself so the world to read and judge me? I have been through a lot and if you read any of this you have the run down of my life in fast forward. In further writings i will go deeper into some of the stories and give better understanding of it. I am doing this first and formost so that if someons happends to come across then I want to say to them that they are not alone in this world. Everyone has been through some sort of hurt and sorrow in their life It may not be the same but its there. To tell them tat there is a sanity to all this chaos. I started this other website not to long ago and have found that letting it out for all to read i have felt a burden lifted off of me that I thought would have never gone away. I had finally decided that I wasn’t going to let it rule over me anymore. So if by chance this hits home to you or to someone you know please comment or write back. I know if i would have had this in my past i would have been better off. Someone to talk with or to just listen. Please read and explore my other website and FaceBook page. Ask anything you like I’m here to help it I can. I will say for now goodbye and finisg my life story . Good night and good day to all. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Children

Why is it when I saw this I almost spit Pepsi out of nose. I showed my son this and he just shook his head and said yeah mom you probably did do this to me, It was priceless. Me and my son are best of friends but he knows that if he gets in toruble the wrath of Hell apon him so he never tested it. I remember growing up at that age and i was a hellion. Always getting into things i shouldnt be or just not listening to my mom or dad back then lol. Utill this one day, I dont even remember what I did but it had to have been bad. My dad busted my ass so bad I couldn’t sit on anything hard for a week. Yeah after that I learned my lesson some what. All he had to do was call my full name and look at me like he was burning holes through my brain and i would cry. The last time he ever got mad at me like that when I was little he had picked me up to give me a talking to and I got so scared I peed on him. That sure didn’t make anything better. Then I looked up at him and he was laughing at the whole thing. Memories can be good and bad through out your life and its you keep that shapes your life for you. You have to let go of the past, the bad and focus towards the happiness you want in the future. I just wish I would have learned all those years ago.  I would say I am today who I am because of that but I’m not there were so many other equations that helped as well. Today I am free from the past and can openly talk about it with out a single tear. It helps when you have someone you can talk to or find someone that has been through he same. That is why I am still here writing this for all to read. Just maybe I can help, all it you have to do is open the door. I am always here. Today I am 39 years old and my dad is 73 years old and we are to this day just like I am with my son. We call each other names and joke all the time together. He is and always will be my daddy but he is my best friend. And that’s my son’s Paw-Paw for sure. Out of 12 grandkids my son is the only one that sees him or talks to him daily. My son is my dad’s Geronimo since the day he was born. Till next time which may be tonight who knows. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Sugar Pie

My Fur Baby…

  I want to start by saying I miss her and love her so very much. August 10th 2019 I had to make the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. It was time to say goodbye to the most amazing animal I have ever had to call my baby. Her name was Sugar Pie.                                                                                                                                  Late May of 2007 I rescued a very small ball of fluff from a man that wanted the pups dead, because he was mad that his registered German Shephard got pregnant by a coyote. This little ball of fluff would not leave my side so I picked her and the rest got adopted out as well. At almost 3 weeks old I was pregnant with my son and bottle feeding this puppy. She in one arm and my son in the other I raised them together. She was the sweetest puppy, never had to potty train her, nor did she ever chew on things. I used to sit and watch the two of them play all the time and would fight over the covers as she would cuddle up in his bed with him. She would never let him out of her sight. When it was time for my son to come home from school she would be waiting there for him to get off the bus. She was so loved and a huge part of our family, and she gave so much love back. My dad named her Stinky because she would always go swim in the lake and she would smell so bad but the funny thing was she hated baths. We would have to drag he in to take one, my son found it easier to get his swim trunks on and take a shower with her so she would feel safe.    When we moved she moved and never complained one bit. The only time she ever gave us a hard time was when we would rescue others and she would look at us like mom really. But by the end of it she would bring them in and she would teach them the ropes. She even raised the kittens that showed up one day. I found them all cuddled up on her it was so cute.                                                                                              Just this past August 10th She had turned 12 years old and I could see it in her eyes that she was asking if it was ok if she could go. It showed she was tired and in pain. That was the last thing I had ever wanted her to feel. I  could feel her pain in the eyes that were so pleading with me. I had been time coming she had already stopped eating and was getting harder for her to move around. That morning I laid with her on the living room floor and told her it was ok she didnt have to hurt anymore. My son and I talked with her and laid with her for her last hours she understood and was ok. I have never felt so much in my life the love the pain the hurt to have to make this decision. But she deserved the respect and dignity to be laid to rest with her loved ones.                                                                                                     I have fostered so many dogs and have lost them to card and snakes or adopting them out but never have I had to make the decision like this. We have her collar and leash hanging on the wall to remember he. She is and always will be missed and loved forever in our hearts . One day Sugar Pie we will see you again I promise you that.

                                  I love you baby girl, its your momma saying hi.

                                     This is the real me saying goodnight this time

                                                                                         Mariah Long