Posted in Random Writings

My Protector

This story starts way back in the day, when I met this boy names Thomas. We met at school when we were about in the 7th grade. Back then we didn’t think of our futures or let alone next week. But Lord did I know he was going to be in my life forever. We were best of friends and yeah back then he was friend zoned but hell we didn’t even know what that meant. We grew up together and had a damn good friendship. Of course growing up we started seeing people and I fell into the wrong crowd. Store short he was my protector for all the bad. I fell into some very ugly relationships and he was always there to pick me up clean me off and send me on my way. He was my buddy, always there for me. Well after this one guy decided to use me as his punching bag and drug me Thomas had enough. Like clockwork I called him because I was bleeding broken and needed him. But this time it was different. He cleaned me up and set me down told me I wasn’t going anywhere. He was tired of seeing me get beat and go back for more or find a new one. He told me I could live there and work on myself. We were best friends so I was cool with it. I had finally started getting out of the house with him and having fun like we used to. Everything kind of fell into place and we became more than friends and started dating. It was amazing we had so many adventures and lived life to the fullest. He was my protector. God sent him to me I would tell him. One day not feeling good I had gone to the Drs. and he was at work but we were going to meet up after I got out to do dinner and go home. I got the most amazing new I was pregnant. I was going to tell him at dinner that night. But unfortunately things didn’t go as I wanted. On his way to meet with me he was hit head on by a truck and he was riding his motorcycle. By the time the EMS got there and put him in the back they made it less than half way and pronounced his death. My baby my protector Gone, taken from me. I never even gotta tell him he was going to be a father. I was crushed I wanted to no longer be in this world. Why did God take him from me. I needed him, he was mine. Realizing I couldn’t give up now, I had his baby growing inside of me. I did the best I knew how to and asking God daily why him, why me. Till it hit me like a ton of bricks. God needed him he was meant for a bigger purpose He was now God’s protector over all the broken angels up there. I spent many a nights still crying myself to sleep, hurting and angry. I couldn’t do this anymore I had to get back out there. So I slowly ventured out But vastly fell right back into the abusive relationships. But because of my baby I was able to walk away from the abuse quickly. I had to live for our baby. I needed to be strong. But over again it was a vicious cycle and I thought I would never get out. So I did me I spent my time raising what came to be our son. Perfect in every way. I saw so much of his dad in him and more and more looks and personality of my son are identical to his dad. I had my baby boy. I have raised him as best as I can and he has become an amazing child. But he sees the loneliness in me and tries to understand. So I tried to get back out there and meet people but these days it’s nothing like I want in a relationship, but I finally have comfort in my life to start again and with that God new it was time because just about when I felt lost and giving up he put this man to cross my path in life. I was having a difficult time one night and I didn’t want to get suck in my head so I did what I never would of done and reached out to someone that been checking up on me through my post leaving little quotes and asking how I was that night. So I went on line and found him on as well so I just did it after about an hour of debating whether or not to message him. I won and I messaged him. His name is William, and he’s from Washington. We talked that night for hours and hours. I was so much fun. I felt myself the real me shine and come to life. We were telling funny stories and even very sad ones as well. It had to have been 5 or more hours that we texted back and forth. So that night we said our goodbyes and I felt at ease and no longer in my head. I was happy, or giddy. I woke the next morning to him in my thoughts and it was pretty nice. But that was just the beginning. We talk every day and tell each other our darkest secrets and our wildest fantasies. We have dreams and goals in life that are very similar and god we think so much alike and want the same things in life as well. We have grown fond of one another in the past few weeks it’s crazy, because it was just the other night that He was meant to be my protector and i broke down crying. As I had already told him about my sons father but not knowing about he used to call himself my protector it scared me and it gave me peace because I knew right them it was meant to be him. God has crossed our paths for a reason and now I knew why. My protector from about has always been watching over us has sent me this man to take over protecting me from all the hurt and evil in this world. We have talked about it many times and he agrees with what i say and feels the same. So we have set the foundation to what we want out of this and now to just watch it grow, nourish it and give it what it needs. It will be a bit tough being we are not from the same place but we will figure it out in due time and when it is that time we will be ready. So till then like i always say I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. And that would be BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

In my Head.

I have been in my head lately and it’s not doing me any good. It is a dangerous place in there. I start to thing the worst of everything and it gets my soul all messed up. I’m not sure if the thinking like I do will ever go away but I need to learn how to control it. This is one of my demons that love to fight back and most of the time he wins. I have lost friends, family and relationships because of it. Today I have come far to recognize it and I can spot it from a mile away but I can’t ever get it under control. Yesterday I had almost lost the love of my life because I couldn’t stop wondering, thinking the worst just because I hadn’t heard from him through out the day like I normaily did. I know he has a lot on his plate and I do to so we talk when we can but its getting harder and harder to think the worst. Does he really love me, does he want to really be with me, is this all a game to him, is he seeing or talking to other girls. Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I break down and cry, my emotions get the best of me. That’s when it starts I will message him and be ugly and say things like I guess your done with me, wow fine I will leave you alone, can you just tell me why, if you didn’t mean it you shouldn’t have come to me like you did. And all the while he’s dealing with his own demons and now mine on top of it. It’s not fare to him to deal with my shit too. He doesn’t’ ever give the feeling that any of it is true. He tells me daily we are ok and it’s shit with him and I think it’s the thing of ok I want to make it better for him then and just get him away from that. But he just can’t run away from it. Or it will always be there on the back burner. So I have to sit back and watch it hurt him. I don’t do well with patience. I am one to be now, now, now, or go, go, go. I hurt so many with my thinking and I always apologize but what does it really mean if I don’t change my behavior, Nothing It means nothing. I today am sitting in my bed about to watch a movie and stop thinking for a bit to see if I can clear my head and work on me today. No communication to the world but for family and him. but if I don’t hear from him it will be ok. I know he has things to do today. So baby steps here I come. Breath deep and think of the good instead of the bad. I need to get things around here done as will. When I get like this I let everything just go. The house is in disarray and I need to get my focus back. Clean the house, do laundry and so on. Believe it or not when I lean my soul is happy. I feel at peace and its like I’m doing what Mamma Bear supposed to be doing. Taking care of her den and cubs. So first things first let me get a good horror movie in and then clean. I am working on me today. So on that note I say see ya on the other side and as always. I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Can’t Sleep.

Well I’m laying in bed looking at my laptop thinking why am I writing this on my phone lol. Hell yeah because I can’t get into my account on my laptop for some reason. That’s not even the reason I can not sleep though. I have been feeling under the weather for a couple of days, with a migraine headache that won’t go away and now I woke yesterday morning with my whole body aching. When that happens my hip radiates the pain 10 fold and it’s hard for me to function. I hate feeling like this. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out till I’m all better, but I can’t do that. I am a full-time momma and a full time crazy lady. Lol. I can’t just sit around, I have to be productive that way it can sweat out of me and I get better sooner. Plus if I don’t cook dinner would consist of cereal and ice cream and I can’t stand a messy house. That right there is a major part of my days. I clean this apartment front to back up and down every day and sometimes twice a day. I do want to apologise for not being around for a bit. I’ve been helping a friend in jail and my adopted son is back home living with us. I had to kick my brother out because of what he was doing here that didn’t sit right with me and jeopardized me and my sons well-being. My boys come first so he had to go. It has been much quieter and more peaceful now that he’s not yelling or cursing through the house at everyone or anyone that would pay attention to him. Plus I got my room back. So I do apologise for getting lost in everyday life. It tends to consume me at times. At least now I recognize it and change my actions. Well it is that time I’m finally falling asleep. Good night to some and good morning to the others. As always I leave you with my words. I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSufer

Posted in Random Writings

Changes

Well last night was going to be a story about changes but I passed out with my computer in my lap. Well the one most important changes in my life at this moment is I threw my brother out of my house and took back my room. It all started when he brought that girl over and she stole his shit and stole my wallet out of my purse. I had told him from the beginning not to bring hoes and hookers to my house. In his words they are old friends I know who they are. Lying sack of shit, he had only known them for days. That pissed me off. To jeopardize me and my sons lives over getting laid. What a straight asshole. From that point on it just kept going in a downward spiral. He pushed me out of my own room and would lock the door so I couldn’t get in and when I would bang on the door or yell to unlock it he would get pissed and yell at me and curse. He had no respect for me or my son. He stole shit from us and took thigs apart and destroyed them, he destroyed my room, the carpet has burn marks on it and stains. He started taking my car out when I was sleeping and use it all the time when I would say no he would stomp around curse all day load as hell so we all heard. My car was filthy by the time I get my keys back from him because he would hide them. He actually said that this was his room and place because he paid half the rent and bills. No idiot it is my place in my name only, you pay half the rent and the energy bill and that’s it. Its doesn’t matter how I paid my half I still paid it plus all the food, the internet and cable, and water. I cooked , cleaned and did laundry every day, and not once did you lift a finger to help. You in fact would get mad at me when I wouldn’t cook because that meant you had to do something for yourself. And I’m sorry for the ones that truly need the help with the VA and that have PTSD, but my brother hid behind those letters to get what he wanted. He would play the wounded vet. card all the time. He would tell me all the time about what people should do for him because he was a wounded vet. That people owed him everything and anything. He thought he was entitles. Let me tell you something boy, you are not entitles to jack shit. You get off your ass and work for it. You want respect then you need to respect others and not treat them like they are beneath you. Yes you are a retired vet but there are a lot of them and they doing see the world as their candy jar they can stick their hands in any time they want and take what they want. So by the time I finally had enough I couldn’t stop myself and told him he was a piece of shit and to get the fuck out. Do I regret it HELL NO. He disrespected me for the last time and I finally stood up for myself and stood my grounds. People that didn’t know what was going on in the house looked at me like I was the bad guy till they saw it with their own eye and then felt sorry for me. I have been a drug addict, I have lived in filth and I got out of it and have been working hard not to go back, and if I did it would be on my accord not anyone else. I am the only one that had the right to destroy me not him not anyone. I will not go back to that so I had to get him out of this house not for me but for my son. One day I hope he will open his eyes to what he is doing to the people that care about him and quit giving his all the hoes and hookers that just want his money and could care less if he is dead on the side of the road. Well that is about all I want to say about this situation and I am so ready for bed back in my actual bed… Till next time my friends. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. and that is BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

What you really think of yourself.

You know a long time ago the thoughts of myself saddened me. I wasn’t good enough, I wouldn’t amount to anything, I was ugly on the inside as I was on the out. I was worthless, stupid, unlovable, and so on and so on…… Today I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I am not ugly on the inside nor the outside, I am lovable, not stupid, and I’m worth every breath I take. I am me today. I am not trying to fit in or be liked. I am trying to love me and today I can say I do love me. I may not have all I need but I believe in myself to be able to fight for it and work towards my dreams and goals in life. I had lost my job back in May and still haven’t been able to land another one. So I sat and thought if I can’t get a job I’m going to make myself a job. Two websites and my T-Shirt shop linked to them and I have now two full time jobs. Taking turns writing on each site and maintaining the sites and making sure they are functioning to standards and promoting them on all of social media. From Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr. So I am a very busy woman at the moment. And trying to make money off them will take time. It has only been 3 months since they have been up and it is going to take time to get it out there to make a profit. So today I am PROUD of myself. Love myself, I am not weak I am strong. I care for the one who care for me and for the ones that want to see me fail. I am a good person. I tell myself these tings daily. Remind myself I don’t need to listen to what others say just listen to what I say. I am my own worst enemy and critic. I punished my self long enough. I want to shine, step out of the shadows and shine bright. To all out there remember this you are beautiful, you are smart. Live for you and love for you. Don’t let others tell you any different. It is time for my late night movie and snack lol…. Till next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Christmas…

“There is nothing I want momma, I have everything I need.” Those are the hardest words to stomach when it is your 12 year old boy says them to you because he knows we have no money. This Christmas has been a very hard one on us due to me still not having a job and not being able to get him a single thing. He has had to grow up so fast, it was something I was not wanting to happen but being a single mom I had to work when I didn’t want to in order for us to have a home and food. So my son was taught that we don’t ask for what we want but what we need. He is the best. He desirves the world. I can be having a bad day with my back and he will do the laundry and the dishes for me. and he never complains. So back to my other thoughts. Yesterday my old boss Carrie, my good friend still gives me a call to say hey and merry Christmas and asked what we were doing for Christmas. I told her the situation and 4 hours later she shows up at my house with presents in hand, but the most is that they were from me to my son and one from them. She wanted me to be able to give him Christmas. The thought of this woman went out on her lunch break and bought him 5 presents and wrapped them. Came over and said she was bringing the presents over that i hid there so he wouldn’t see them and added one from her family. Such a beautiful soul. She is the best. It is a blessing to have a friend like that. If it wasn’t for her we would have spent Christmas like it was any other day and just been lazy at home. The worst part is that my son would have been ok with that or at least not have shown that he wasn’t because he doesn’t want me to feel bad so he stays stronge and tells me its ok. He is my world, he is the reason i am still living today. I wish i could give him everything his little heart desires and i know what that would be and it just amazes me because its nothing for him but for everyone to be happy and loved because he has a heart of gold. It is the next day Merry Christmas to all. He had the best time with his family and all I am so proud of him, he is the best ever…. It is time for me to go and play the new video game with my son. To all a Merry Christman and hope all had a great day. Till next time as always I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be.. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Chaos within my soul

My soul says it will be ok, and my heart says I’m done I can’t hurt any longer. I wish I could understand it all. I may never get to but I want the chance to try. My thoughts and feelings are all tangled in a web I did not weave. I still look for him in everything I do. I stepped back from all communication with him. I didn’t want him feeling that he had to feel the same about me as I did with him. I wanted him to come to a conclusion that he could be him and tell me he couldn’t do it. that it wasn’t our time or that it may never be our time. Give our friendship a chance to flourish. He will always have a spot in my heart because the bond we did have and the friendship we once had that will always be there. To you out there I hope you are well and doing good. and I hope to one day hear from you. I can always say I’m mad but I’m not. I worry about you more that anything. I just hope you are ok. and with that I get little here and there’s that you are still around and that makes me feel good that your around but also makes me think of why not talk with me and tell me what’s going on. Just a hi I’m ok. But like I said I’m not trying to push you into anything you cant do at this moment. Just know I miss you and love ya bunches. You captured my soul and for once it was ok that it was not at the beach. I am here whenever you feel you can talk. Till the next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be and that is BeachBum SoulSurfer….

Posted in Random Writings

Lost and Alone

As I sit here in my living room, no lights on and pure silence I am at peace. There was a huge weight taken from my shoulders today. To give a bit of a back story. I had started this site and my other site because I saw how I could make money with a website and so I started. It wasn’t going so good I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do or how to do it. I worked on them day and night, and was getting no where with it. So I did the only thing I knew to do give up throw it away. But this time I quit but I started a new idea and the moment I began it was coming into place with ease. I was learning so much and as it still was very difficult to do and understand I kept going. Finally I lost all thought to try and make money and just write. In doing so I ended up gaining this one beautiful soul that has given me the inspiration and the motivation to keep on with it all. I have talked about him in my past writing and I have found that my walls around me have fallen. I have felt more emotions with him that I have with any other man I have ever been with. We are only human and have done thing to hurt one another but not intentionally. I thought I had lost him for things I had no Idea of but he reassured me I hadn’t it was us running from our feelings not wanting to get hurt and in doing so hurting one another. This past 2 weeks I have felt lost and alone not knowing what went on or if he was even ok. I couldn’t find him anywhere. But I wasn’t going to give up on us. I looked in the jails and hospitals. He was just gone. Its was going on 2 weeks and both my sites have been pulled apart and taken off social media and the T-Shirt Shop isn’t getting the advertising I was hoping for. Every day I look at my phone wanting to call him or text him. and I did for the first part and every now and then. I wasn’t going to give up. Today I got what I have been asking for, He text me asking to call. I knew inside my heart he didn’t walk away from me. I will not say what went on that is between us but he is fine and back home now. We talked and he is going to help me get my sites back up and advertised like they should be. Its like there was a peace of me missing and the moment I heard his voice it wasn’t missing anymore. All of it was fitting back into place. So as you can tell I am writing again and it is coming to me just like before. He is and always will be part of my story and my life. I am a very lucky woman to have such a great friend and love I have with him. I can say that I know how it feels when you are alone in the world and you think its all crumbling down . Its not God will never give you more than you can handle and yes at that moment it seems to be too much but it really isn’t. He is getting you ready for your journey. And in my journey he has put a beautiful soul in it to walk with me. So to actually say I don’t know what this was about at the beginning and I don’t think it matters right now. I wish you all good night an till tomorrow. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be, BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Fur Baby Blues

To My Fur Baby Sugar Pie

So today has been an off day today. I woke this morning looking for my Sugar Pie. I shot up looking around for her because I felt her laying with me. It took me a bit to realize what was going on and just started crying. I miss her so much. But I know she’s watching over us and playing with her brother that she hadn’t seen since they were born. I love you baby girl and I will be there one day. I will one day walk the beach with you again. You will always be remembered. Baby girl i have to tell you something grandma brought a dang Guinea Pie over to cheer Jeramia up since you have been gone. It actually has helped a bit but i can just imagine the look on you face if you were here right now. That look you always got when we brought fosters home. And then you were momma to them all, so i can imagine you up there being momma to all the little lost ones now. I miss you oh so very much. Scott and i were talking about you and your brother and knowing your happy to be with him again. Its that time my love got to start dinner. 

                                               Love and miss your MOMMA  BeachBum SoulSurfer 

Posted in Random Writings

This is Hard LOL

So this whole block editor and the recurring payment this is getting me a bit confused so if you see it just ignore for now till I can fix whatever I need to fix lol. I thought I had done one of these before but I guess not, or I’m doing it wrong because it says I don’t have one. So I am reading it as I am going and it says first time users are going to be redirected so obviously have made one lol because its not redirecting me. But now I am lost I think this is why I didn’t do one in the first place. So if any of you have an idea of what I’m doing please let me know if I am doing to wrong. I can’t seem to figure it out. So this is just a short little blah blah blah to see it I get it right. Till the next time . I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.