Posted in About Chaos Within

When we were kids.

Just think about it for a minute, your past when you were a kid. Did you have the time of your life or were you an unhappy kid. When I think back of my childhood I would always say and still will always say it was incredible. We grew up with no money and no internet. my best friends were my sister and my cousin. Growing up in a small town you really dont have a big selection of friends. But we had it all. We had family friends and so much more. Back them you didn’t have to worry about the internet or how much money someone has. We didn’t grow up with a lot and I think a prefer it that way. My dad taught us to appreciate the dollar and work for what we wanted. I grew up going to friends houses or relatives to eat dinner due to the fact we didn’t have much but it was always lets go visit to play we were told. because our parents didn’t want to burden us with the struggles they were having. Our house got burned down when I was 3 years old and I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom was in the kitchen and my dad was getting the grill going to start a BBQ. My sister and I running back and forth outside and inside. My mom came running out calling 911 the house was on fire. She asked our dad if he was burning the house down and we giggled. My dad put me in the garage and said to stay. When the fire truck came they had to use the water in our pool to put it out because the hose wouldn’t reach the house. We laughed for days. moved in over a friends garage in a one bed apartment type house. To us as kids we didn’t know anything other than what our parents let us know so we were in our own little world of bliss. Back then we didn’t depend on money and thing to make us happy we had hand made toys from our dad and we went to the beach just about every day to get our of the 4 walls we lived in. So when I look back on my childhood I smile and say it was the best ever. And tend to wish it was like that again. So enjoy your day, sit back and think of all the good genuine fun you had as a kid. Look back at what your parents sacrificed for you to have what you have today. You may just be surprised in what you remember. It is me signing off I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be at that is BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in About Chaos Within

Lifes Lessons

Really I’m not sure where to start it all. its two stories that merge into one big fuck you. First story my boy and his #1 come over to hang out and he has to go do some runs so she stays here with me. Which is all good she’s cool as hell. We get along. But my boy gets locked up that night. So in me doing time I know how it is to be alone in there with no help so I get started being who I am and tracking all the cases and getting him settled in because he’s not getting out. While I’m doing that his #1 takes off to do her thing. As I was thinking to get things done for him but no she was thinking of herself and getting what she wanted. Well as all this is going on my brother is hooking up with this Rat and they go out this past Saturday and low and behold bring back my boys #1. I stay to myself and she is not being how she was the last time something was up. I was asked to take the rat home and she would that the other one home from there. Well walking back up to my place my phone goes off and my credit card has been used at a Walmart. I go looking in my purse and in the car it’s not where to be found. These 2 cunts stole my wallet out of my purse while I was driving. Waking up my brother and having these two still answering the phones one blames one and the other is doing the same. My brother realizes his phone, tablet and his drones have been stolen out of the room. So not only did they jack me they stole out of my house. They were in there together and the #1 says she didn’t know about any of this. Bullshit you can’t say that you didn’t see her take big boxes and put them in her bag right next to you. Well I spent the day with the officer making a report on the both of them and they will get what they deserve. And then to have my boys #1 still think she is ok with me and tell my boy I’m trying to keep her from him that is a joke. He’s in jail and I can’t tell him what to do. you can write him and go see him any time you want. Yeah I am writing him and going to see him and making sure he is all ok there and get all the info he wants me to do for him. She says I’m obsessed with him and want him for myself. Please if I had wanted him I would have already had him. I am just doing what he had asked you to do and I do it better because I’ve done this many times back in my glory days. To actually think that I am conspiring against her is oh so damn funny. If you were not so stupid as to get involved with that rat which by the way my boy knows all about, you would be here helping me get your boy settled in jail. So on that note. I am going to tell all this house is closed to all people I’m done with stupid. One Shot all I have to say. Now it’s my turn to do the old me. So till next time I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer 

Posted in About Chaos Within

Magic Wands

Back at the Beach

There is always this memory I have when we lived down at the beach. It is one of my fondest memories. It was when I was about 3 or 4 years of age. I can remember my dad used to take a walk with me every day after work. After dinner was done he would put me on his shoulders and walk down to the gas station to get a candy or an ice cream. Along the way we would stop a few times for me to pick these little flowers I used to love. I’m not to sure now if they were flowers or weeds but they were my favorite. I called them Magic Wands.

gives a visual of what me and my dad called Magic Wands.
Mimosa Pudica AKA Sensitive Plant

There it is the Magic Wand. I would pick them and tell my dad I would turn him into a frog and pop him over the head with it. We would chase one another around the yard and turn anything and everything into frogs and just giggle and giggle. My dad is the best, he always new how to cheer me up when I wasn’t feeling well or just to get a smile on my face. But those were our special walks we took together every day after work and school. That was our time to truly get to know each other not just as dad and daughter but as best friends, fishing buddies. Not to long ago I wasn’t feeling so good and I was at my dads helping him clean up and he knew I was under the weather. He walked in the house calling my name and when I turned around he popped me on the head and said poof your a frog. All I could do was smile with tears down my face. It had been decades since we had picked any and he had a handful of them just for me because he came across them in the field and it brought back the same memories for him as it did for me. Those memories of us at the beach with just a simple life with no worries in the world. Those were the good days. So today is going to be my day to reminisce on my childhood and the fun we had down at the beach. As I say good bye for now but never forever. I am destined t o be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer…

Posted in About Chaos Within

My thoughts

Sitting all alone and the worst thing for me to be is in my head today. I’m trying not to be but I automatically go there when things don’t pan out the way we wanted them to be. I freak out, is it me, something I said, something I did or something of my past. My mind starts running a million miles an hour. I think of the worst and start to cry. Am I always going to be like this or is it the unknowing of where I stand in one’s life. I know it’s me I’m nuts. I believe it all stems from my past telling me I’m worthless and I will never have better than. That I’m ugly and fat. That I got beat daily for nothing. I am so afraid of losing someone I smother them so much they walk away. And in the end I was the reason they left. These thing run through my head daily. I just want them to stop. I can’t shake this demon like I did the rest. I feel miserable, lost, worthless a failure in life. I know I’m not I know it’s all in my head. I put a smile on my face even if I’m not happy just so I don’t ruin other’s days. It’s very far and few between that I feel this way. For a while now I have been on cloud 9 and when I think of him a real smile crosses my face and I feel good again. I’m just ready to lay it down and have it be a new day. But I can’t sleep. So movies it is. Till next time. I and destined to be the only woman in meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in About Chaos Within

Deeper into My Inferno

The Struggle has always been real

I have always had struggles in my life. I say that and truth be told I had a great life till I moved here to San Antonio. I am the one that made my life hard for myself. I chose to act stupid and do all the things I did because I was mad for having to leave the beach. I figured that If I was unhappy I would make everyone else unhappy. Well it didn’t work that way, I made me hate the world and everyone in it. My family just moved on and I was there wanting my past back. For me I thought if I moved on I would lose my innocence, and truth is fighting it and being stubborn I did lose my innocence. I ended up chasing the struggle and not breaking free from it. I gave up I let the devil sink his talons in me and it felt good. The warmth he gave me just so I wouldn’t stray from him. I fun, excitement, drugs, money, anything I wanted I got. He showed me I could have it all (FOR A PRICE). I sold my soul I gave him my innocence. But I was ok with that I didn’t need it anymore, or so I thought. I spent so long in his grasp that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was killing myself and didn’t even know it. Drinking anything I was handed, Smoking who knows what, Shooting up heroin and anything else that I could get in the needle. Putting it all up my nose. I did it all. Anything and everything trying to chase that first high. I never found It though. Out of everything he gave me and showed me, he would never give me that high again. I had hurt so many people mostly my family. I had a different family by then. Going far out there I was doing things and seeing things that I never thought were imaginable or only seen on movies. That was me now when I walked through that door they didn’t know if I was there to get high or do what I had to do to get my money they owed me. By then anywhere I went I had two in the car and one on me. No one was going to fuck with me. and if they tried it was them going to the hospital or morgue not me. All I could hear is the 10 year old me screaming at me to come back to her but I didn’t know how. I was so far gone. Every time I would try and get out it followed so I did what I did to get away. I was robbing people breaking down doors waking mother fuckers up to a gun to their face. Telling them to put their shit in my truck because I was too lazy to do it myself as I would torment them the whole way. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted out and it was going to be through someone killing me or going to prison. At that time I thought that someone killing me was better that what I was in right then. Well as you can figure I didn’t get killed. but I did kill that person I was I woke up one morning to a foot on my face and guns to my head. It was the cops. It was finally over. I was free from him at last. I spent many a nights in county jail praying to God to let me make it through this. After two years of trial looking at 75 years of prison time for aggravated burglary of habitation on the third year in county I was sentenced. 13 felonies for Agg. Burglary. 8 years each account. But here is were God answered my prayers. The judge overruled the sentence and ran them concurrent. So instead of 104 years prison time that they wanted to give me, he gave me 8 years prison. my 21st birthday I was on the bus transferring to TDCJ to start my 8 years. All that I had learned out there I had to reprogram myself. Teach myself that there was more to life than hurting others and myself. The first year there was the worst. Trying to adjust to not getting what I wanted or doing what I needed to, to get it. Not going to lie after that first year I loved it there. It was a vacation from me killing myself. I ended up knowing some of the guards and the warden of my unit was one I used to sell to so I hooked him up to my people and said I wash my hands of it now. But I got all the outside world food I wanted. So I just set back and talked with God a lot. He got me through the rest of my time there. I was finally getting out going home but I didn’t have a home anymore to go to. My first thoughts were to hit a lick really quick to get a place and car. I was so scared to realize it was that easy for me to think it was ok to do that after begging to get out of that 8 years ago. So I went to my PO and sat there till he would see me. I told him my thoughts and he didn’t say well lets put you back. He actually helped me get a place and a job so I could do it the right way. It helped, I worked and didn’t screw up the rest of the time on parole. But I did stumble and had to go back to rehab three years after getting out. But it was on my accord. I was feeling the talons again and I ran fast. Asked for help. Those years that I had lost and the healing I did I had almost let it all go and go right back to the hell I begged to get out of. So in all I am here living the best I can. Doing it the right way for myself so I can do it for my son. When I said I have always had struggles in my life I am the one and only one that has put those struggles in my life. They are here today just as much as back then but just different type of struggles. These are the consequences of my past. I today am free from the talons of the demons that were inside of me. I still have them but I control them now. So for now I am signing off till next time. I am destined to be the only woman i am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in About Chaos Within

My Life Part 6 The Final Chapter.

31 To 39 Years of Age

So it is so easy to get wrapped up in emotions of the past and flinch on the scares they have left though no one can see them but you. I sit here in turmoil, fighting my demons and trying to not destroy all I have come to. So by the age of 31 I had my son Jeramia and I was doing the best I could. I was finally starting to get back out there being social with people and opening the doors to friends. But my life was for my son he was my priority. We did so much together, The Zoo, parks, play dates, and spent time with my dad a lot. But the moment I let a man in I remembered why I was like I was. He treated me like crap and showed it and told it to me daily no matter who was watching, but this time I knew what to do and I did it. I packed me and my son up and moved back out to the country by my dad to be close to him so he could have a relationship with his grandson. At 34 I got the first job I actually stayed at longer that a week. Things were great I was able to support my family of 2. I think my son has had a good life. We have never had to want for anything. I was able to give him everything he needed and some that he wanted. His growing up a single child and me working night shift he lost a lot of his childhood I think. But it has taught him responsibility. Working all night coming home to him already ready for school and when it was weekends he helped around the house. By the age of 5 he was already doing laundry and picking up his room and helping with the dishes considering he couldn’t reach so I washed and he dried. We lived in this run down farm house and were looking to find a new place till we just moved back home with my dad so I could save and find something good for us. A year later we did, we are not living in a 2 bedroom apartment and love the time we have together. I no longer work for the place I was because 4 years of night shift I lost so much of his life I left there and got a better job. But times happen and I had got laid off. I looked for a job day after day month after month. To come to the point where we are now in life I still haven’t found a job and my brother has moved in with us to help pay the rent. So I keep looking not giving up. The days run together and the nights to be so very short. My son is doing great in school and loves having his uncle here to goof of with. I don’t do much because the money I do get need to be for what ever my son needs and gas to get him to and from school. Going nuts I had found this website one late night and found myself designing a webpage for the first time ever. It was not so easy at first but I got a hang of it. And so I sit here at this moment writing to all about my life on my second website of mine. You have spent the time reading about my life and it not being a very pretty one but today it is a beautiful life. In stories to come I will write about bits of my life I did not mention in this story in more of a detailed way. So bit by bit you will get to understand me and see the journey I took with all the obstacles to over come and how I did it. To give others out there the acceptance of not being perfect is ok. To say your not alone in the fight. I’m here to share so that if by chance It may help you in any way it may. Till the next chapter This is me as always. I’m destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in About Chaos Within

My Life Part 5

26 To 30 Years Of Age

So I left off with me getting out of prison and finally getting back home. It didn’t take me long to get back into thing back home. Got settled in at my new place and was doing good till I met a man. I thought he was it. Everything was good for a bit but as always i fell fast and hard for a man that really wasn’t for me. I got back into drinking and doing drugs but stayed away from the heroin. I didn’t want to go down that road again for sure. At the end of it he beat me ass and I left. I focused on me and got a job at Jim’s. I loved it, work was great and met some really cool people along the way. Till one day I woke for work and something wasnt right. I was pregnant again. I saw scared and alone with nothing to give. I talked to my dad about it and I got ready to have a baby. But I was still alone and hid the drinking and drugs. I got clean and started doing good. I had a baby girl. Bit I didn’t know what to do. My sister moved in with me and helped me . I was always gone and drinking again so my sister raised her for the first couple years of her life because i couldn’t seem to get my shit together and don’t really know if I wanted to. So after 2 years of my daughters birth I was cleaning but at my best friends house. He wanted me to get sober. He had been my friend since I was in middle school so he had seen it wall with me. He was the one who usually picked up the pieces and helped me put myself back together. Well that night it was different. I was laying on the floor detoxing and he just held me. It was at that time I realized it was supposed to be him the whole time. But he didn’t want to take advantage of me in my state. All said we wanted to be together, So he helped me clean up and I lived there with him. Was doing great and had a great life starting for us. I was headed to the dr this one day because I really wasn’t feeling good and come to find out I was pregnant again. But this time was different. I was with a man that wanted me and we had talked about kids so I couldn’t wait till he got home to tell him. All My dreams and hope was shattered the same day it was supossed to be the best day of our lives of starting a family. I got a call from his mom, I didnt want to believe it. He had gottin hit on his motorcycle and was rushed to the ER. But it was too late he had passed on the way there. I felt like my life was over. His family wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. I wanted to die. I was so alone again but this time it was different. I stayed clean and moved out of our house because i couldn’t stay there without him it was too hard. I went to my dad again and he took me in. I was having a little boy, My treasure. I had to do this for him. This little thing growing inside me had no one but me. So I did what i should have done many years ago for my other two children, GROW UP ! I did just that or at least as best i could. I was ready to do anything I had to do. Three years had past and I was doing it as the best as I could and he as his name is Jeramia Luca Long and I call him Bubba. The lst of the few year will be the final part to my life and then I will sort out my small pieces that i still haven’t spoke of because they are more than just a few lines on the paper. Till tomorrow I will finish and see it through. I say my goodbyes till then. I am only destined to be the woman i am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in About Chaos Within

My Life Part 4

20 to 25 Years Of Age

So where I left off. I got sentenced to 8 years TDC. Scared out of my mind but knowing I needed to do what I had to in order to get through this, I did my time. It wasn’t easy I was alone and no family or friends by my side. The one good thing that came from this was I was finally sober and feeling good about myself. They put me in laundry and that made the time go by faster. Not long after being in I saw parole but nothing good came of it. They actually lost my file and I had to wait a another year before seeing them again. I had met many of very interesting people and some down ass guards as well. Seeing the parole again I finally was granted parole but to a place called Safe-P. So here I went Off to another place for 9 more months. One of the worst places I have ever been to. A place to hold you accountable but also snitch on everyone you come across. One of the ugliest place to be, So i again worked in the kitchen for all three shifts so i didn’t have to deal with all the groups and snitches there were. The thing is after that you had to go 3 months after to a halfway house to learn how to get back into society and live a productived life. when it was my time to go to the halgway house they sent me to Austin. What a bad decision on them. I didn’t look for a job or do anything productive there because i was just going to be leaving there in 3 months. So i went to the river and goofed off with the friends i made. Got in trouble a lot for doing so and almost got kicked out till one day they came and arrested the director of the place for embesilment. Ha the bitch was a mean lady Miss English i can remember like it was yesterday. But after all the loss and the long nights of staying awake to make sure i would be alive the next day I was finally getting to go home. In all the time of county and TDCJ 8 years of my life was gone to never get back, but i was alive and clean of heroin. I was home to start my new life and a better one at that. It was a long prosses and scary ordeal but had to be done. If it wasnt for prison i would not be here today to tell my story. I would of been dead within months or not sooner from the heroin or the man and his family i was with. that is the end of the years here so till tomorrow or tonight i will tell more. So as always im leaving you with my thoughts on paper . Im and only destined to me the woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in About Chaos Within

My Life Part 3

17 to 20 Years Of Age.

Skip down a few months and I was dealing drugs and doing them as well. I met a man and decided I didn’t need anything else. I was so naïve he ran my life for me. Whatever he said I did. Next thing you knew I was a full blown heroin addict. Followed in his lead and getting into situations that I wish I never wish I would have been in. I saw things that no person should see in their lifetime. I was in a black abius, a downward spiral to hell itself. I went from a full healthy beautiful girl to a withered away bag of bones heroin addict in a one year span. I had no remorse for the things I did and the things I said to my family and friends. I was lost, I didn’t even recognize myself. By then I was breaking into houses and robing people in order to make him happy and keep my addiction going. I do not blame my life on him or his family he was right there with me. His parents introduced heroin to the both of us because I had steady income and they needed drugs. But I alone kept using the drugs had taken over now and I didn’t see any other way to live. I had got pregnant and thought this was the way out I was free from it all, but it wasn’t. My son was born drug addicted and I was heading down the fast track to death. I had been in and out of jail twice now and the third time the charm. I wasn’t getting out of this one. My boyfriend had turned state evidence over on me so his mom and him wouldn’t go to jail. They where hunting for me and they found me. I spent 2 years in county going to trial and in the end I got 13 felony accounts of Aggravated Burglary of Habitation. I was breaking down doors robing people while asleep or at gun point. The judge sentenced me to 8 years for each account but ran then all concurrent. I was facing 75 years agg. and by gods grace I got 8 years. That is the end of the heroin addiction. Stay tuned to the next chapter. It will be soon to come. It is a rocky road and oh so much to remember. So please stick with me on this journey and I promise it comes out in the end. Till next time and as always “I’m destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be.” BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in About Chaos Within

The In-Between Years! Part 2

10 to 16 Years or Age

It all started it crumble when I was forced to move away from my safe haven, the Corpus Christi Beach. I was 10 years old at the time and my mom and dad just recently divorced so was pretty shaken from that still. My mom got a new job and wanted us girls to be closer to our dad. It was hard I was daddies little girl but I was losing a part of me leaving my home. The only place till this day felt like home to me. We moved during the summer of 1990 and got settled in just in time to start a new school year at this place I didn’t want to be at. No friends nothing at all familiar. So I became the quiet kid at school and became a hermit. As time went by I grew to open up and make friends. Actually I became somewhat ok with the situation. But still in the back of my mind was me trying to figure out how to get back to the beach. 2 years into living here we moved again just to the other side of town but lost all my friends again and I was miserable once more. Time went by a grew up didn’t really care at that point anymore so I became a follower and just wanted people to like the new kid again. But becoming a teenager with all new surroundings I fell into the wrong crowd. Started smoking weed and smoking cigarettes. Drinking liquor and beer not caring one bit. As time went on I was kicked out of school for hitting a teacher and breaking her nose because she told me I was worthless and I would never amount to anything in life. I was not worth teaching she said. Reason be I was reading my book upside down and backwards because of my Dyslexia and that was the only way I knew how to read. Out come of all that she got fires and I got kicked out of all Northside ISD. I was out of school for about a year until went back to this other school BSA. Now that place was bad. Smoked weed with teachers and principles and sold dope to the kids. I had given up on trying to learn anything. After the incident at the other school I let what she said to me go to heart and let it define who I would become in life. So I am stopping for now The next chapter coming soon. The 17 to 20 Year of Age next. Thank you all for taking the time and read my life. Be back tomorrow. As I say I’m only destined to be the woman I am meant to be. Till next time. sleep well. BeachBum SoulSurfer.