Posted in Random Writings

My Protector

This story starts way back in the day, when I met this boy names Thomas. We met at school when we were about in the 7th grade. Back then we didn’t think of our futures or let alone next week. But Lord did I know he was going to be in my life forever. We were best of friends and yeah back then he was friend zoned but hell we didn’t even know what that meant. We grew up together and had a damn good friendship. Of course growing up we started seeing people and I fell into the wrong crowd. Store short he was my protector for all the bad. I fell into some very ugly relationships and he was always there to pick me up clean me off and send me on my way. He was my buddy, always there for me. Well after this one guy decided to use me as his punching bag and drug me Thomas had enough. Like clockwork I called him because I was bleeding broken and needed him. But this time it was different. He cleaned me up and set me down told me I wasn’t going anywhere. He was tired of seeing me get beat and go back for more or find a new one. He told me I could live there and work on myself. We were best friends so I was cool with it. I had finally started getting out of the house with him and having fun like we used to. Everything kind of fell into place and we became more than friends and started dating. It was amazing we had so many adventures and lived life to the fullest. He was my protector. God sent him to me I would tell him. One day not feeling good I had gone to the Drs. and he was at work but we were going to meet up after I got out to do dinner and go home. I got the most amazing new I was pregnant. I was going to tell him at dinner that night. But unfortunately things didn’t go as I wanted. On his way to meet with me he was hit head on by a truck and he was riding his motorcycle. By the time the EMS got there and put him in the back they made it less than half way and pronounced his death. My baby my protector Gone, taken from me. I never even gotta tell him he was going to be a father. I was crushed I wanted to no longer be in this world. Why did God take him from me. I needed him, he was mine. Realizing I couldn’t give up now, I had his baby growing inside of me. I did the best I knew how to and asking God daily why him, why me. Till it hit me like a ton of bricks. God needed him he was meant for a bigger purpose He was now God’s protector over all the broken angels up there. I spent many a nights still crying myself to sleep, hurting and angry. I couldn’t do this anymore I had to get back out there. So I slowly ventured out But vastly fell right back into the abusive relationships. But because of my baby I was able to walk away from the abuse quickly. I had to live for our baby. I needed to be strong. But over again it was a vicious cycle and I thought I would never get out. So I did me I spent my time raising what came to be our son. Perfect in every way. I saw so much of his dad in him and more and more looks and personality of my son are identical to his dad. I had my baby boy. I have raised him as best as I can and he has become an amazing child. But he sees the loneliness in me and tries to understand. So I tried to get back out there and meet people but these days it’s nothing like I want in a relationship, but I finally have comfort in my life to start again and with that God new it was time because just about when I felt lost and giving up he put this man to cross my path in life. I was having a difficult time one night and I didn’t want to get suck in my head so I did what I never would of done and reached out to someone that been checking up on me through my post leaving little quotes and asking how I was that night. So I went on line and found him on as well so I just did it after about an hour of debating whether or not to message him. I won and I messaged him. His name is William, and he’s from Washington. We talked that night for hours and hours. I was so much fun. I felt myself the real me shine and come to life. We were telling funny stories and even very sad ones as well. It had to have been 5 or more hours that we texted back and forth. So that night we said our goodbyes and I felt at ease and no longer in my head. I was happy, or giddy. I woke the next morning to him in my thoughts and it was pretty nice. But that was just the beginning. We talk every day and tell each other our darkest secrets and our wildest fantasies. We have dreams and goals in life that are very similar and god we think so much alike and want the same things in life as well. We have grown fond of one another in the past few weeks it’s crazy, because it was just the other night that He was meant to be my protector and i broke down crying. As I had already told him about my sons father but not knowing about he used to call himself my protector it scared me and it gave me peace because I knew right them it was meant to be him. God has crossed our paths for a reason and now I knew why. My protector from about has always been watching over us has sent me this man to take over protecting me from all the hurt and evil in this world. We have talked about it many times and he agrees with what i say and feels the same. So we have set the foundation to what we want out of this and now to just watch it grow, nourish it and give it what it needs. It will be a bit tough being we are not from the same place but we will figure it out in due time and when it is that time we will be ready. So till then like i always say I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. And that would be BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in About Chaos Within

When we were kids.

Just think about it for a minute, your past when you were a kid. Did you have the time of your life or were you an unhappy kid. When I think back of my childhood I would always say and still will always say it was incredible. We grew up with no money and no internet. my best friends were my sister and my cousin. Growing up in a small town you really dont have a big selection of friends. But we had it all. We had family friends and so much more. Back them you didn’t have to worry about the internet or how much money someone has. We didn’t grow up with a lot and I think a prefer it that way. My dad taught us to appreciate the dollar and work for what we wanted. I grew up going to friends houses or relatives to eat dinner due to the fact we didn’t have much but it was always lets go visit to play we were told. because our parents didn’t want to burden us with the struggles they were having. Our house got burned down when I was 3 years old and I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom was in the kitchen and my dad was getting the grill going to start a BBQ. My sister and I running back and forth outside and inside. My mom came running out calling 911 the house was on fire. She asked our dad if he was burning the house down and we giggled. My dad put me in the garage and said to stay. When the fire truck came they had to use the water in our pool to put it out because the hose wouldn’t reach the house. We laughed for days. moved in over a friends garage in a one bed apartment type house. To us as kids we didn’t know anything other than what our parents let us know so we were in our own little world of bliss. Back then we didn’t depend on money and thing to make us happy we had hand made toys from our dad and we went to the beach just about every day to get our of the 4 walls we lived in. So when I look back on my childhood I smile and say it was the best ever. And tend to wish it was like that again. So enjoy your day, sit back and think of all the good genuine fun you had as a kid. Look back at what your parents sacrificed for you to have what you have today. You may just be surprised in what you remember. It is me signing off I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be at that is BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

In my Head.

I have been in my head lately and it’s not doing me any good. It is a dangerous place in there. I start to thing the worst of everything and it gets my soul all messed up. I’m not sure if the thinking like I do will ever go away but I need to learn how to control it. This is one of my demons that love to fight back and most of the time he wins. I have lost friends, family and relationships because of it. Today I have come far to recognize it and I can spot it from a mile away but I can’t ever get it under control. Yesterday I had almost lost the love of my life because I couldn’t stop wondering, thinking the worst just because I hadn’t heard from him through out the day like I normaily did. I know he has a lot on his plate and I do to so we talk when we can but its getting harder and harder to think the worst. Does he really love me, does he want to really be with me, is this all a game to him, is he seeing or talking to other girls. Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I break down and cry, my emotions get the best of me. That’s when it starts I will message him and be ugly and say things like I guess your done with me, wow fine I will leave you alone, can you just tell me why, if you didn’t mean it you shouldn’t have come to me like you did. And all the while he’s dealing with his own demons and now mine on top of it. It’s not fare to him to deal with my shit too. He doesn’t’ ever give the feeling that any of it is true. He tells me daily we are ok and it’s shit with him and I think it’s the thing of ok I want to make it better for him then and just get him away from that. But he just can’t run away from it. Or it will always be there on the back burner. So I have to sit back and watch it hurt him. I don’t do well with patience. I am one to be now, now, now, or go, go, go. I hurt so many with my thinking and I always apologize but what does it really mean if I don’t change my behavior, Nothing It means nothing. I today am sitting in my bed about to watch a movie and stop thinking for a bit to see if I can clear my head and work on me today. No communication to the world but for family and him. but if I don’t hear from him it will be ok. I know he has things to do today. So baby steps here I come. Breath deep and think of the good instead of the bad. I need to get things around here done as will. When I get like this I let everything just go. The house is in disarray and I need to get my focus back. Clean the house, do laundry and so on. Believe it or not when I lean my soul is happy. I feel at peace and its like I’m doing what Mamma Bear supposed to be doing. Taking care of her den and cubs. So first things first let me get a good horror movie in and then clean. I am working on me today. So on that note I say see ya on the other side and as always. I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Can’t Sleep.

Well I’m laying in bed looking at my laptop thinking why am I writing this on my phone lol. Hell yeah because I can’t get into my account on my laptop for some reason. That’s not even the reason I can not sleep though. I have been feeling under the weather for a couple of days, with a migraine headache that won’t go away and now I woke yesterday morning with my whole body aching. When that happens my hip radiates the pain 10 fold and it’s hard for me to function. I hate feeling like this. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out till I’m all better, but I can’t do that. I am a full-time momma and a full time crazy lady. Lol. I can’t just sit around, I have to be productive that way it can sweat out of me and I get better sooner. Plus if I don’t cook dinner would consist of cereal and ice cream and I can’t stand a messy house. That right there is a major part of my days. I clean this apartment front to back up and down every day and sometimes twice a day. I do want to apologise for not being around for a bit. I’ve been helping a friend in jail and my adopted son is back home living with us. I had to kick my brother out because of what he was doing here that didn’t sit right with me and jeopardized me and my sons well-being. My boys come first so he had to go. It has been much quieter and more peaceful now that he’s not yelling or cursing through the house at everyone or anyone that would pay attention to him. Plus I got my room back. So I do apologise for getting lost in everyday life. It tends to consume me at times. At least now I recognize it and change my actions. Well it is that time I’m finally falling asleep. Good night to some and good morning to the others. As always I leave you with my words. I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSufer

Posted in Random Writings

Changes

Well last night was going to be a story about changes but I passed out with my computer in my lap. Well the one most important changes in my life at this moment is I threw my brother out of my house and took back my room. It all started when he brought that girl over and she stole his shit and stole my wallet out of my purse. I had told him from the beginning not to bring hoes and hookers to my house. In his words they are old friends I know who they are. Lying sack of shit, he had only known them for days. That pissed me off. To jeopardize me and my sons lives over getting laid. What a straight asshole. From that point on it just kept going in a downward spiral. He pushed me out of my own room and would lock the door so I couldn’t get in and when I would bang on the door or yell to unlock it he would get pissed and yell at me and curse. He had no respect for me or my son. He stole shit from us and took thigs apart and destroyed them, he destroyed my room, the carpet has burn marks on it and stains. He started taking my car out when I was sleeping and use it all the time when I would say no he would stomp around curse all day load as hell so we all heard. My car was filthy by the time I get my keys back from him because he would hide them. He actually said that this was his room and place because he paid half the rent and bills. No idiot it is my place in my name only, you pay half the rent and the energy bill and that’s it. Its doesn’t matter how I paid my half I still paid it plus all the food, the internet and cable, and water. I cooked , cleaned and did laundry every day, and not once did you lift a finger to help. You in fact would get mad at me when I wouldn’t cook because that meant you had to do something for yourself. And I’m sorry for the ones that truly need the help with the VA and that have PTSD, but my brother hid behind those letters to get what he wanted. He would play the wounded vet. card all the time. He would tell me all the time about what people should do for him because he was a wounded vet. That people owed him everything and anything. He thought he was entitles. Let me tell you something boy, you are not entitles to jack shit. You get off your ass and work for it. You want respect then you need to respect others and not treat them like they are beneath you. Yes you are a retired vet but there are a lot of them and they doing see the world as their candy jar they can stick their hands in any time they want and take what they want. So by the time I finally had enough I couldn’t stop myself and told him he was a piece of shit and to get the fuck out. Do I regret it HELL NO. He disrespected me for the last time and I finally stood up for myself and stood my grounds. People that didn’t know what was going on in the house looked at me like I was the bad guy till they saw it with their own eye and then felt sorry for me. I have been a drug addict, I have lived in filth and I got out of it and have been working hard not to go back, and if I did it would be on my accord not anyone else. I am the only one that had the right to destroy me not him not anyone. I will not go back to that so I had to get him out of this house not for me but for my son. One day I hope he will open his eyes to what he is doing to the people that care about him and quit giving his all the hoes and hookers that just want his money and could care less if he is dead on the side of the road. Well that is about all I want to say about this situation and I am so ready for bed back in my actual bed… Till next time my friends. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. and that is BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

What you really think of yourself.

You know a long time ago the thoughts of myself saddened me. I wasn’t good enough, I wouldn’t amount to anything, I was ugly on the inside as I was on the out. I was worthless, stupid, unlovable, and so on and so on…… Today I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I am not ugly on the inside nor the outside, I am lovable, not stupid, and I’m worth every breath I take. I am me today. I am not trying to fit in or be liked. I am trying to love me and today I can say I do love me. I may not have all I need but I believe in myself to be able to fight for it and work towards my dreams and goals in life. I had lost my job back in May and still haven’t been able to land another one. So I sat and thought if I can’t get a job I’m going to make myself a job. Two websites and my T-Shirt shop linked to them and I have now two full time jobs. Taking turns writing on each site and maintaining the sites and making sure they are functioning to standards and promoting them on all of social media. From Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr. So I am a very busy woman at the moment. And trying to make money off them will take time. It has only been 3 months since they have been up and it is going to take time to get it out there to make a profit. So today I am PROUD of myself. Love myself, I am not weak I am strong. I care for the one who care for me and for the ones that want to see me fail. I am a good person. I tell myself these tings daily. Remind myself I don’t need to listen to what others say just listen to what I say. I am my own worst enemy and critic. I punished my self long enough. I want to shine, step out of the shadows and shine bright. To all out there remember this you are beautiful, you are smart. Live for you and love for you. Don’t let others tell you any different. It is time for my late night movie and snack lol…. Till next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer.

Posted in Random Writings

Christmas…

“There is nothing I want momma, I have everything I need.” Those are the hardest words to stomach when it is your 12 year old boy says them to you because he knows we have no money. This Christmas has been a very hard one on us due to me still not having a job and not being able to get him a single thing. He has had to grow up so fast, it was something I was not wanting to happen but being a single mom I had to work when I didn’t want to in order for us to have a home and food. So my son was taught that we don’t ask for what we want but what we need. He is the best. He desirves the world. I can be having a bad day with my back and he will do the laundry and the dishes for me. and he never complains. So back to my other thoughts. Yesterday my old boss Carrie, my good friend still gives me a call to say hey and merry Christmas and asked what we were doing for Christmas. I told her the situation and 4 hours later she shows up at my house with presents in hand, but the most is that they were from me to my son and one from them. She wanted me to be able to give him Christmas. The thought of this woman went out on her lunch break and bought him 5 presents and wrapped them. Came over and said she was bringing the presents over that i hid there so he wouldn’t see them and added one from her family. Such a beautiful soul. She is the best. It is a blessing to have a friend like that. If it wasn’t for her we would have spent Christmas like it was any other day and just been lazy at home. The worst part is that my son would have been ok with that or at least not have shown that he wasn’t because he doesn’t want me to feel bad so he stays stronge and tells me its ok. He is my world, he is the reason i am still living today. I wish i could give him everything his little heart desires and i know what that would be and it just amazes me because its nothing for him but for everyone to be happy and loved because he has a heart of gold. It is the next day Merry Christmas to all. He had the best time with his family and all I am so proud of him, he is the best ever…. It is time for me to go and play the new video game with my son. To all a Merry Christman and hope all had a great day. Till next time as always I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be.. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Posted in Random Writings

Chaos within my soul

My soul says it will be ok, and my heart says I’m done I can’t hurt any longer. I wish I could understand it all. I may never get to but I want the chance to try. My thoughts and feelings are all tangled in a web I did not weave. I still look for him in everything I do. I stepped back from all communication with him. I didn’t want him feeling that he had to feel the same about me as I did with him. I wanted him to come to a conclusion that he could be him and tell me he couldn’t do it. that it wasn’t our time or that it may never be our time. Give our friendship a chance to flourish. He will always have a spot in my heart because the bond we did have and the friendship we once had that will always be there. To you out there I hope you are well and doing good. and I hope to one day hear from you. I can always say I’m mad but I’m not. I worry about you more that anything. I just hope you are ok. and with that I get little here and there’s that you are still around and that makes me feel good that your around but also makes me think of why not talk with me and tell me what’s going on. Just a hi I’m ok. But like I said I’m not trying to push you into anything you cant do at this moment. Just know I miss you and love ya bunches. You captured my soul and for once it was ok that it was not at the beach. I am here whenever you feel you can talk. Till the next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be and that is BeachBum SoulSurfer….

Posted in About Chaos Within

Lifes Lessons

Really I’m not sure where to start it all. its two stories that merge into one big fuck you. First story my boy and his #1 come over to hang out and he has to go do some runs so she stays here with me. Which is all good she’s cool as hell. We get along. But my boy gets locked up that night. So in me doing time I know how it is to be alone in there with no help so I get started being who I am and tracking all the cases and getting him settled in because he’s not getting out. While I’m doing that his #1 takes off to do her thing. As I was thinking to get things done for him but no she was thinking of herself and getting what she wanted. Well as all this is going on my brother is hooking up with this Rat and they go out this past Saturday and low and behold bring back my boys #1. I stay to myself and she is not being how she was the last time something was up. I was asked to take the rat home and she would that the other one home from there. Well walking back up to my place my phone goes off and my credit card has been used at a Walmart. I go looking in my purse and in the car it’s not where to be found. These 2 cunts stole my wallet out of my purse while I was driving. Waking up my brother and having these two still answering the phones one blames one and the other is doing the same. My brother realizes his phone, tablet and his drones have been stolen out of the room. So not only did they jack me they stole out of my house. They were in there together and the #1 says she didn’t know about any of this. Bullshit you can’t say that you didn’t see her take big boxes and put them in her bag right next to you. Well I spent the day with the officer making a report on the both of them and they will get what they deserve. And then to have my boys #1 still think she is ok with me and tell my boy I’m trying to keep her from him that is a joke. He’s in jail and I can’t tell him what to do. you can write him and go see him any time you want. Yeah I am writing him and going to see him and making sure he is all ok there and get all the info he wants me to do for him. She says I’m obsessed with him and want him for myself. Please if I had wanted him I would have already had him. I am just doing what he had asked you to do and I do it better because I’ve done this many times back in my glory days. To actually think that I am conspiring against her is oh so damn funny. If you were not so stupid as to get involved with that rat which by the way my boy knows all about, you would be here helping me get your boy settled in jail. So on that note. I am going to tell all this house is closed to all people I’m done with stupid. One Shot all I have to say. Now it’s my turn to do the old me. So till next time I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer 

Posted in About Chaos Within

Magic Wands

Back at the Beach

There is always this memory I have when we lived down at the beach. It is one of my fondest memories. It was when I was about 3 or 4 years of age. I can remember my dad used to take a walk with me every day after work. After dinner was done he would put me on his shoulders and walk down to the gas station to get a candy or an ice cream. Along the way we would stop a few times for me to pick these little flowers I used to love. I’m not to sure now if they were flowers or weeds but they were my favorite. I called them Magic Wands.

gives a visual of what me and my dad called Magic Wands.
Mimosa Pudica AKA Sensitive Plant

There it is the Magic Wand. I would pick them and tell my dad I would turn him into a frog and pop him over the head with it. We would chase one another around the yard and turn anything and everything into frogs and just giggle and giggle. My dad is the best, he always new how to cheer me up when I wasn’t feeling well or just to get a smile on my face. But those were our special walks we took together every day after work and school. That was our time to truly get to know each other not just as dad and daughter but as best friends, fishing buddies. Not to long ago I wasn’t feeling so good and I was at my dads helping him clean up and he knew I was under the weather. He walked in the house calling my name and when I turned around he popped me on the head and said poof your a frog. All I could do was smile with tears down my face. It had been decades since we had picked any and he had a handful of them just for me because he came across them in the field and it brought back the same memories for him as it did for me. Those memories of us at the beach with just a simple life with no worries in the world. Those were the good days. So today is going to be my day to reminisce on my childhood and the fun we had down at the beach. As I say good bye for now but never forever. I am destined t o be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer…