Hell within me….
I have always had struggles in my life. I say that and truth be told I had a great life till I moved here to San Antonio. I am the one that made my life hard for myself. I chose to act stupid and do all the things I did because I was mad about having to leave the beach. I figured that If I was unhappy, I would make everyone else unhappy. Well, it didn’t work that way, I made me hate the world and everyone in it. My family just moved on and I was there wanting my past back. For me, I thought if I moved on, I would lose my innocence, and the truth is fighting it and being stubborn I did lose my innocence. I ended up chasing the struggle and not breaking free from it. I gave up I let the devil sink his talons in me and it felt good. The warmth he gave me just so I wouldn’t stray from him. I fun, excitement, drugs, money, anything I wanted I got. He showed me I could have it all (FOR A PRICE). I sold my soul I gave him my innocence. But I was ok with that I didn’t need it anymore, or so I thought. I spent so long in his grasp that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was killing myself and didn’t even know it. Drinking anything I was handed, smoking who knows what, shooting up heroin and anything else that I could get in the needle. Putting it all up my nose. I did it all. Anything and everything trying to chase that first high. I never found It though. Out of everything he gave me and showed me, he would never give me that high again. I had hurt so many people mostly my family. I had a different family by then. Going far out there I was doing things and seeing things that I never thought were imaginable or only seen in movies. That was me now when I walked through that door they didn’t know if I was there to get high or do what I had to do to get the money they owed me. By then anywhere I went I had two in the car and one on me. No one was going to fuck with me. and if they tried it was them going to the hospital or morgue, not me. All I could hear is the 10-year-old me screaming at me to come back to her but I didn’t know-how. I was so far gone. Every time I would try and get out it followed so I did what I did to getaway. I was robbing people breaking down doors waking mother fuckers up to a gun to their face. Telling them to put their shit in my truck because I was too lazy to do it myself as I would torment them the whole way. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted out and it was going to be through someone killing me or going to prison. At that time, I thought that someone killing me was better than what I was in right then. Well as you can figure I didn’t get killed. but I did kill that person I was I woke up one morning to a foot on my face and guns to my head. It was the cops. It was finally over. I was free from him at last. I spent many nights in county jail praying to God to let me make it through this. After two years of a trial looking at 75 years of prison time for aggravated burglary of habitation on the third year in the county I was sentenced. 13 felonies for Agg. Burglary. 8 years each account. But here is where God answered my prayers. The judge overruled the sentence and ran them concurrently. So instead of 104 years of prison time that they wanted to give me, he gave me 8 years prison. On my 21st birthday, I was on the bus transferring to TDCJ to start my 8 years. All that I had learned out there I had to reprogram myself. Teach me that there was more to life than hurting others and myself. The first year there was the worst. Trying to adjust to not getting what I wanted or doing what I needed to, to get it. Not going to lie after that first year I loved it there. It was a vacation from me killing myself. I ended up knowing some of the guards and the warden of my unit was one I used to sell to so I hooked him up to my people and said I wash my hands of it now. But I got all the outside world food I wanted. So, I just set back and talked with God a lot. He got me through the rest of my time there. I was finally getting out going home but I didn’t have a home anymore to go to. My first thoughts were to hit a lick really quick to get a place and car. I was so scared to realize it was that easy for me to think it was ok to do that after begging to get out of that 8 years ago. So, I went to my PO and sat there till he would see me. I told him my thoughts and he didn’t say well let’s put you back. He actually helped me get a place and a job so I could do it the right way. It helped, I worked and didn’t screw up the rest of the time on parole. But I did stumble and had to go back to rehab three years after getting out. But it was on my accord. I was feeling the talons again and I ran fast. Asked for help. Those years that I had lost and the healing I did I had almost let it all go and go right back to the hell I begged to get out of. So, in all, I am here living the best I can. Doing it the right way for myself so I can do it for my son. When I said I have always had struggles in my life I am the one and only one that has put those struggles in my life. They are here today just as much as back then but just different types of struggles. These are the consequences of my past. Today am free from the talons of the demons that were inside of me. I still have them but I control them now. So, for now, I am signing off till next time. I am destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer