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I have been in my head lately and it’s not doing me any good. It is a dangerous place in there. I start to thing the worst of everything and it gets my soul all messed up. I’m not sure if the thinking like I do will ever go away but I need to learn how to control it. This is one of my demons that love to fight back and most of the time he wins. I have lost friends, family and relationships because of it. Today I have come far to recognize it and I can spot it from a mile away but I can’t ever get it under control. Yesterday I had almost lost the love of my life because I couldn’t stop wondering, thinking the worst just because I hadn’t heard from him through out the day like I normaily did. I know he has a lot on his plate and I do to so we talk when we can but its getting harder and harder to think the worst. Does he really love me, does he want to really be with me, is this all a game to him, is he seeing or talking to other girls. Over and over these thoughts run through my head and I break down and cry, my emotions get the best of me. That’s when it starts I will message him and be ugly and say things like I guess your done with me, wow fine I will leave you alone, can you just tell me why, if you didn’t mean it you shouldn’t have come to me like you did. And all the while he’s dealing with his own demons and now mine on top of it. It’s not fare to him to deal with my shit too. He doesn’t’ ever give the feeling that any of it is true. He tells me daily we are ok and it’s shit with him and I think it’s the thing of ok I want to make it better for him then and just get him away from that. But he just can’t run away from it. Or it will always be there on the back burner. So I have to sit back and watch it hurt him. I don’t do well with patience. I am one to be now, now, now, or go, go, go. I hurt so many with my thinking and I always apologize but what does it really mean if I don’t change my behavior, Nothing It means nothing. I today am sitting in my bed about to watch a movie and stop thinking for a bit to see if I can clear my head and work on me today. No communication to the world but for family and him. but if I don’t hear from him it will be ok. I know he has things to do today. So baby steps here I come. Breath deep and think of the good instead of the bad. I need to get things around here done as will. When I get like this I let everything just go. The house is in disarray and I need to get my focus back. Clean the house, do laundry and so on. Believe it or not when I lean my soul is happy. I feel at peace and its like I’m doing what Mamma Bear supposed to be doing. Taking care of her den and cubs. So first things first let me get a good horror movie in and then clean. I am working on me today. So on that note I say see ya on the other side and as always. I am destined to be the only woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Post Author: beachbumsoulsurfer

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