Sitting all alone and the worst thing for me to be is in my head today. I’m trying not to be but I automatically go there when things don’t pan out the way we wanted them to be. I freak out, is it me, something I said, something I did or something of my past. My mind starts running a million miles an hour. I think of the worst and start to cry. Am I always going to be like this or is it the unknowing of where I stand in one’s life. I know it’s me I’m nuts. I believe it all stems from my past telling me I’m worthless and I will never have better than. That I’m ugly and fat. That I got beat daily for nothing. I am so afraid of losing someone I smother them so much they walk away. And in the end I was the reason they left. These thing run through my head daily. I just want them to stop. I can’t shake this demon like I did the rest. I feel miserable, lost, worthless a failure in life. I know I’m not I know it’s all in my head. I put a smile on my face even if I’m not happy just so I don’t ruin other’s days. It’s very far and few between that I feel this way. For a while now I have been on cloud 9 and when I think of him a real smile crosses my face and I feel good again. I’m just ready to lay it down and have it be a new day. But I can’t sleep. So movies it is. Till next time. I and destined to be the only woman in meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

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