Posted in About Chaos Within

My thoughts

Sitting all alone and the worst thing for me to be is in my head today. I’m trying not to be but I automatically go there when things don’t pan out the way we wanted them to be. I freak out, is it me, something I said, something I did or something of my past. My mind starts running a million miles an hour. I think of the worst and start to cry. Am I always going to be like this or is it the unknowing of where I stand in one’s life. I know it’s me I’m nuts. I believe it all stems from my past telling me I’m worthless and I will never have better than. That I’m ugly and fat. That I got beat daily for nothing. I am so afraid of losing someone I smother them so much they walk away. And in the end I was the reason they left. These thing run through my head daily. I just want them to stop. I can’t shake this demon like I did the rest. I feel miserable, lost, worthless a failure in life. I know I’m not I know it’s all in my head. I put a smile on my face even if I’m not happy just so I don’t ruin other’s days. It’s very far and few between that I feel this way. For a while now I have been on cloud 9 and when I think of him a real smile crosses my face and I feel good again. I’m just ready to lay it down and have it be a new day. But I can’t sleep. So movies it is. Till next time. I and destined to be the only woman in meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Author:

Born and raised at the Coast Moved to the big city in my youth. Never feeling like I was home, wanting my quiet beach again. I have a past like many. I have come to share it with all to help the some know they are not the only one and its ok. To also better understand myself and what is in my heart and soul. The paths I need to take to rid me of my anger and sadness.

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