Feelings Within Me.

It’s 3 a.m. I woke up about 1 a.m. in a state of panic and fear. Like all that has been going on the past few days with him was all just a dream. I woke up so scared I didn’t feel right. It has been so long since I have felt affection and the way he shows me I guess I’m scared that It’s not real or that it was all a lie. But down inside I know it’s real. I trust him and believe he would never hurt me. He is such and amazing man. This is how it always starts. I have been hurt, lied to, cheated on beat and told to me that no man would ever love me and I let that rule over me my whole life. So in the back of my mind that plays over and over again. That its going to happen again with him this time. Its my self sabatoge that I have grown to accept. But not tonight, I sit here crying knowing I will be ok and he has done nothing to me and I still have that panic feeling. Is it just me or is it normal to feel these thing. It’s a conflict in my head of I know and my brain says no you dont know. What I fear the most is that hes going to realize how hard it is to love me when I am always like this when we are away from one another. I have no idea if I will ever get over this way of thinking or if being with him and he show me that it’s all in my head It will eventually go away. I hope so. I don’t want to lose this man and knowing and seeing that I am doing this to me and to him and It makes me even madder because I can’t stop it, even though it’s in me to stop it. A man that knows my issues and is wanting to hold my hand and guide me though them with him and not on my own. He is my true rock and I want to be his rock in the time of need. I need to be a strong woman for us. It is now going on 5 a.m. and I’m going to try and get some sleep. As I am and always will be. Destined to be the only woman I am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

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