Longing To Feel No More

Well I did have about a page of writing down then my computer just deleted it so I think I’m done for the night. I’m not in the best of moods after rewriting all of that anyways. Walking down memory lane and all the emotions and feelings come back and I don’t feel good any more. I hate how it makes me feel. I just sit here and cry. and then it pisses me off that I still let it get to me. I had or still have so much hatred in me towards myself and I try daily to cover it up, hide it, or let it go and I can’t. I feel weak and vulnerable and that is not a good feeling. I have loved and cared for so many that wouldn’t think twice for what they did to me, but in the end it’s my fault I’m the one that let it happen. I was so big on wanting to be loves and worried what others thought of me. Do I still feel like that yes and no.. I tell myself daily fuck all, I am ME and if you don’t like it go somewhere else because I love me. But in the back of my mind I’m screaming please don’t leave. I feel so fucking crazy, I am so broken, and don’t know where to start to fix it. I do love myself or at least getting there. I have overcome so much why can’t I get past this. I am in a fight daily with myself and then I wake and submerge myself in cleaning and cooking and taking care of my family and when I do that all those feelings don’t go away they just subside until the night comes around and I sit alone with my thoughts. So good night to all in out. I am only destined to be the woman I’m meant to be.
BeachBum SoulSurfer

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