Posted in About Chaos Within

My Life Part 5

26 To 30 Years Of Age

So I left off with me getting out of prison and finally getting back home. It didn’t take me long to get back into thing back home. Got settled in at my new place and was doing good till I met a man. I thought he was it. Everything was good for a bit but as always i fell fast and hard for a man that really wasn’t for me. I got back into drinking and doing drugs but stayed away from the heroin. I didn’t want to go down that road again for sure. At the end of it he beat me ass and I left. I focused on me and got a job at Jim’s. I loved it, work was great and met some really cool people along the way. Till one day I woke for work and something wasnt right. I was pregnant again. I saw scared and alone with nothing to give. I talked to my dad about it and I got ready to have a baby. But I was still alone and hid the drinking and drugs. I got clean and started doing good. I had a baby girl. Bit I didn’t know what to do. My sister moved in with me and helped me . I was always gone and drinking again so my sister raised her for the first couple years of her life because i couldn’t seem to get my shit together and don’t really know if I wanted to. So after 2 years of my daughters birth I was cleaning but at my best friends house. He wanted me to get sober. He had been my friend since I was in middle school so he had seen it wall with me. He was the one who usually picked up the pieces and helped me put myself back together. Well that night it was different. I was laying on the floor detoxing and he just held me. It was at that time I realized it was supposed to be him the whole time. But he didn’t want to take advantage of me in my state. All said we wanted to be together, So he helped me clean up and I lived there with him. Was doing great and had a great life starting for us. I was headed to the dr this one day because I really wasn’t feeling good and come to find out I was pregnant again. But this time was different. I was with a man that wanted me and we had talked about kids so I couldn’t wait till he got home to tell him. All My dreams and hope was shattered the same day it was supossed to be the best day of our lives of starting a family. I got a call from his mom, I didnt want to believe it. He had gottin hit on his motorcycle and was rushed to the ER. But it was too late he had passed on the way there. I felt like my life was over. His family wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. I wanted to die. I was so alone again but this time it was different. I stayed clean and moved out of our house because i couldn’t stay there without him it was too hard. I went to my dad again and he took me in. I was having a little boy, My treasure. I had to do this for him. This little thing growing inside me had no one but me. So I did what i should have done many years ago for my other two children, GROW UP ! I did just that or at least as best i could. I was ready to do anything I had to do. Three years had past and I was doing it as the best as I could and he as his name is Jeramia Luca Long and I call him Bubba. The lst of the few year will be the final part to my life and then I will sort out my small pieces that i still haven’t spoke of because they are more than just a few lines on the paper. Till tomorrow I will finish and see it through. I say my goodbyes till then. I am only destined to be the woman i am meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer

Author:

Born and raised at the Coast Moved to the big city in my youth. Never feeling like I was home, wanting my quiet beach again. I have a past like many. I have come to share it with all to help the some know they are not the only one and its ok. To also better understand myself and what is in my heart and soul. The paths I need to take to rid me of my anger and sadness.

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