Well I did have about a page of writing down then my computer just deleted it so I think I’m done for the night. I’m not it the best of moods after rewriting all of that anyways. Walking down memory lane and all the emotions and feelings come back and I don’t feel good any more. I hate at times hoe it makes me feel. I just sit here and cry. and then it pisses me off that I still let it get to me. I had or still have so much hatred in me towards myself and I try daily to cover it up, hide it, or let it go and I can’t. I feel weak and vulnerable and that is not a good feeling. I have loved and cared for so many that wouldn’t think twice for what they did to me, but in the end it’s my fault I’m the one that let it happen. I was so big on wanting to be loved and worried what others thought of me. Do I still feel like that yes and no.. I tell myself daily fuck all, I am ME and if you don’t like it go somewhere else because I love me. But in the back of my mind I’m screaming please don’t leave. I feel so fucking crazy, I am so broken, and don’t know where to start to fix it. I do love myself or at least getting there. I have overcome so much why can’t I get past this. I am in a fight daily with myself and then I wake and submerge myself in cleaning and cooking and talking care of my family and when I do that all those feelings don’t go away they just subside until the night comes around and I sit alone with my thoughts. So good night to all in out.                                                                                                 I am only destined to be the woman I’m meant to be. BeachBum SoulSurfer


  1. Hello, I just want to point out to you that the feeling that you are having is not something that is only peculiar to you because even I sometimes are also in a fight with myself every time but I was able to overcome through the help of self-love. Yes, self-love was a tool that helped me. I am able to tell myself that I am beautiful. I am wise and i am a winner and it has helped me. I believe that there are some people who are not worth it and I just let them go. Nice one!

    1. Thank you so much for your words I am working on the self love thing and its been a struggle thank you so very much

  2. Wow, I’m sorry about the issue with your compuater, it happens and there is a reason for that. It’s nice to be in love, but its better when you are loved back by the person who you love. When it comes to self-love, that is something that is very vital in our lives and if we ain’t live ourself, we don’t see our worth and that makes us wants to settle for just anything and that’s is not good at all. You should love yourself as much as you want others to love you .

    1. Thank you . I am working on that as we speak. learning to love yourself is much harder that it sounds thank you again for your kind words.

  3. Hi my dear, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, you are very courageous! Sharing my thoughts is something I find it a bit difficult to do, but I am still working on it. You have a lovely son and your website looks great.Take courage,be strong, i know you are! Our minds are like battle fields, you have to win it! we are the product of what we think, so love yourself more and more.Imagine good things about yourself and try to do positive affirmations and feel it, you will see the difference!

    1. Thank you and yes my mind is a constant battle field and I am working on winning the war. I appreciate your kind words. 

  4. These thoughts that you are having are all very normal and I want you to understand that you are not the only one in this. Many others are in a battle with themselves mentally. There are people in our lives that we just tend to tell to leave and then after a while we just want them back, in our minds we scream it. This is something you can overcome. It is something you will overcome with time. Just keep up.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words I am learning today that some should go and some should stay but letting the wrong ones stay and the other leave. But I’m trying I think you again for the comment. 

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